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APRIL 25 VHS MOVIE REVIEW : LOVELY BUT DEADLY (1981)
This is the incredibly dull story of schoolgirl Mary Ann 'Lovely' Lovett (Lucinda Dooling), a teenage vigilante who kills drug dealers because one dealer sold her younger brother drugs, which led to him tripping out and drowning in the ocean (trying to catch an imaginary tuna with his hands!). She gets the dealer that sold to her brother first, kicking him in the face a couple of times and then forcing him to swallow a fatal dose of his own stash. Lovely doesn't know that her own musician boyfriend, Javelin Scott (Mark Holden), is working for one of the biggest drug suppliers in the state, Franklin Van Dyke (John Randolph), who happens to be Superintendant of Schools! Lovely makes friends with school class president Steve Berringer (Michael O'Leary) and saves his life when school drug dealer (and football quarterback) Mantis Managian (Rick Moser) sends two of his goons, Driver (Judd Omen) and Gommorah (Irwin Keyes), to kill Steve when he refuses to look the other way when Mantis does his drug deals. Lovely uses her vast martial arts knowledge to kick the crap out of Driver and Gommorah. Lovely joins the cheerleading squad to get closer to Mantis and gets invited to a huge party thrown by rich drug supplier Warren Lang (Mel Novak). At the party, Lovely meets "Honest Charlie" Gilmarten (Richard Herd), a rich retail store owner who supplies the drugs to Warren and Mantis. She spies Mantis making a major drug transfer with Warren and she steals some of Warren's stash. Lovely gets into a catfight with Mantis' girlfriend Gloria (Pamela Bryant), which catches the eye of Gilmarten. He invites her to a party at his house which turns out to be a party of two, as Gilmarten tries to get into Lovely's panties. Lovely drops some high kicks on him instead and tries to forcefeed him the drugs she stole from Warren, but Driver and Gommorah save him in the nick of time and take Lovely prisoner. Gilmarten orders them to kill Mantis, so they beat him up, stick him in a cardboard box and shove a steam hose into the box, steaming Mantis to death (Gommorah says, "I hit my head and it hurts!" Driver says, "Why don't you take an aspirin?" Gommorah replies, "I don't like to do drugs."). Lovely is being held at a warehouse next to the docks where a big shipment of drugs is about to be delivered. Warren, Javelin and Gilmarten show up at the warehouse and Lovely discovers Javelin's deception. Luckily, Steve followed Warren and Javelin to the warehouse and he alerts her friends (the cops refuse to do anything). Lovely's female kickboxing friends show up and bring Warren and Gilmarten down and Lovely heads back to school to take care of Javelin and Van Dyke, ridding the school of drugs once and for all. Yeah, right! This deadly-dull action film plays like a TV movie with some sex and violence thrown into the mix. Besides a couple of martial arts fights and one or two topless scenes, this film is a chore to sit through. Dreadfully acted and plotted (Lawrence D. Foldes, who directed the horrible films NIGHTSTALKER - 1979, YOUNG WARRIORS - 1983 and NIGHTFORCE - 1986, gets a story credit here), LOVELY BUT DEADLY never finds it's footing. You're led to believe that this is going to be a vigilante revenge film, but it quickly turns into a teenage soap opera, complete with mean cheerleaders, sexed-up horny teenagers and every adult shown is either scum, hates kids or is weak-willed. And, oh yeah, drugs are bad for you. Even the finale, where a bunch of female martial artists show up to save Lovely's hide, is so horrendously-staged and badly shot, you'll be yawning rather than cheering. Director David Sheldon would make (the unreleased and unfinished) GRIZZLY 2: THE PREDATOR next. All I can say about the quality of this film can be summed up with this one sentence: You know a film's in trouble when the best acting comes from Irwin Keyes (FRANKENSTEIN GENERAL HOSPITAL - 1988). Irwin Keyes, for Christ's sake! I almost wanted to become a junkie after watching this because the straight kids in this film all deserved to be smacked around. This film was cut to achieve a PG rating for it's theatrical release and was shorn of all the nudity and violence. Thankfully, the VHS version is of the R-rated cut, but that doesn't make it a better film. It just has boobs and a little more violence. Also starring Marie Windsor, Susan Mechsner, Mary McDonough, Martin Katzoff and Wendell Wright as the most useless police detective to ever join the force. Billy Warlock (SOCIETY - 1989) makes his first film appearance as Lovely's ill-fated brother. A Vestron Video Release. Rated R. { text from critcononline.com }
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