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REVIEW OF A FORCE OF ONE

From bitfister.com

Plot: A Martial Artist is murdering detectives who come close to uncovering a drug ring, so the Police Force decides to enlist karate champion Matt Logan (Chuck Norris), who is preparing for his right with a rival (Bill ‘Superfoot’ Wallace). He reluctantly agrees, but becomes more emotionally involved and starts hunting for the killer himself. Also known as “A Farce of One” by the critics.

Review:

Am I the only one who thinks that the title of “A Force of One” is incredibly misleading? I know that Chuck Norris is the quintessential ‘force of one’, a man so bad-ass that even if his enemy cloned Chuck Norris a million times, it would still not be enough to overcome his bad-assery…But in this film, Chuck is part of a team and his allies are actually very important to his success. If anything, “A Force of One” is probably the ONE CHUCK NORRIS MOVIE that should not be calling itself “A Force of One“. I have a little bit of back-story with this flick, as it was actually the subject of one of my earliest reviews, but I forgot to post it because I used to put many reviews up on a daily basis. By the time I realized my oversight, I had thrown away my old computer which contained the critique. Therefore, I refer to “A Force of One” as my lost review, along with “Ghidorah, King of the Monsters“- which I have since found, but don’t want to release because it sucks. You should be afraid when I start talking about unnecessary nonsense like this, by the way, because it means the subject in question did not provide me with much to say. “A Force of One” has a pretty cool, if a bit absurd, concept going for it. Who doesn’t like the idea of Chuck Norris training police officers to fend off a cop killing serial killer, while he prepares for a climactic fight with Bill ‘Superfoot’ Wallace? But the film itself is…adequate. It could’ve been better. It could’ve been worse. For what it is worth, “A Force of One” is probably my favorite of Chuck’s earlier vehicles.

Throughout my viewing experience, my eye brow kept raising whenever the Police would do something so amazingly…wrong…I cannot think of another word to use outside of incompetent, except the film never seems to realize this. We’re supposed to accept them as credible, albeit understaffed. You expect shit like the cops investigating on their own without telling anyone, so they can die like proper plot sacrifices. But I loved how tough chick cop Mandy Rust (Jennifer O’Neill)- who got the more badass name than Chuck’s Matt Logan- just leaves a thug in handcuffs, next to a naked drug addict whom said thug has been exploiting, with a vague mention of her calling ‘it in’. Or what about the villains murdering someone and setting it up to look like the victim was a junkie who died of an overdose? Apparently the autopsy forgot to be a f@cking autopsy. I’m also a big fan of that cliche where a character says “I’ve found something, but I’ll talk to you later“. I keep expecting them to add “because there is a a guy in a black mask waving a gun at me. I think he wants something” before hanging up the phone, because they’ve already doomed themselves with that line. Chuck’s previous film, “Good Guys Wear Black” also tended to use this plot device…a lot. While these are definitely bad B-movie moments, I have to confess that none of them got on my nerves. I just watched and was amused by this silliness. I wasn’t especially thrilled knowing that I could guess each plot twist within the first 15 minutes, so you should have no difficulty figuring out who will turn out to be evil and who will die. I struggled buying the majority of attempts at dramatic tension. Matt Logan (Chuck Norris) doesn’t really want to help, which sets up a character arc as he becomes more involved, but it seemed to me like he just wanted to get laid and that was the only reason he agreed. I doubt that was the intention, but his initial resistance and eventual benevolence weren’t very convincing. Also, him saying he doesn’t have time at first makes me ask the question of why the cops are pushing so hard to acquire his services. Are there no other karate masters in the area? Because throughout the movie, we see a bunch of them. I also thought the Chief (Clu Gulager) becoming somewhat obstructive was unnecessary, although I guess they had to use Clu Gulager somehow. So I can’t praise the writing, but there isn’t any fire beneath these criticisms. I’m observing, not complaining.

The dialogue is pretty silly and the acting is…okay. Ron O’Neal (Rollins) probably did the best job (that hair though…) and Clu Gulager (Dunne) works even though he looks like he doesn’t really want to be there. Jennifer O’Neill (Mandy) has moments where she’s allowed to shine and is fairly convincing as the tough chick until she lets her emotions dominate the finale…because she’s a woman and crying is what women do in these movies! As for Chuck Norris (Matt Logan), his line delivery is…okay, I guess. I might argue that this was his best performance at the time, as he seems more natural than his work in “Breaker! Breaker!” and “Good Guys Wear Black“, but I stress the word ‘more’. Do not confuse that with ‘good’. The narrative is a little loose, so even though he is the main character. he doesn’t intersect with the plot too often. He’s mostly just training the cops, who do the investigating and even when he starts looking into the story himself, he never comes up with anything substantial. There is back-story on him being a Vietnam Veteran, but that never goes anywhere. To Chuck’s credit, Matt’s relationship with his adopted son Charlie (Eric Laneuville) actually did move me. Their emotionally driven scenes were over-the-top, but I cared. Actually, I thought Chuck had pretty good chemistry with everyone. I wish there was more banter between him and Sparks (Bill Wallace), as their interactions were a lot of fun. The direction is competent and occasionally even inspired, although this arguably backfires as he uses excessive slow motion near the end. The music was…weird, with some of the sound design reminding me of “Cannibal Holocaust” (!!!). I do think “A Force of One” needed more excitement, but I also never thought it was too slow. It was an easy, if underwhelming, experience to sit through.

As for the fights…*drum rolls*….They’re pretty good! Chuck Norris is probably the best martial artist to ever really make it big in cinema, since Bruce Lee’s skill is shrouded in myth and mystery, but it never translated very well on-screen. I also wonder if Chuck Norris ever really wanted to be a martial arts star, as most of his films are conventional actioners with guns and car chases. He’ll usually break out his hand-to-hand skills at some point, but they seemed to be there more for additional flavor, not as the meat and potatoes. “A Force of One” has a lot more karate, even if I wouldn’t call the movie action packed, but it boasts an authenticity lacking in Chuck’s other works. Here, I never felt like he was holding back his kicks or taking it easy. The choreography is sluggish compared to what the East was delivering, but I thought the techniques looked powerful and precise. The near misses in particular were intense, as it always feels like someone was one inch away from having their head kicked off. When attacks did connect, they looked brutal and I’m not sure whether to praise the actors for selling injuries so well or criticize the stunt coordinator for allowing the performers to hurt each-other. I remember hating the final battle during my first viewing, thinking it was so boring considering all the hype building up to this confrontation. The slow motion does kill a lot of the momentum, but my rage has softened substantially. It’s more of a story driven battle and at least it wasn’t one sided, in contrast to the majority of Chuck’s fights. The best parts for me were Chuck Norris’s demonstrations, which show off his speed and skill, perhaps even more accurately than what he delivered in Bruce Lee’s “Way of the Dragon“. But I do want to make it clear that nothing about this is amazing. The fight scenes are pretty good, but I was only blown away because I expect less from Norris in this department. As a whole, “A Force of One” provided me with a reasonable amount of entertainment, but it’s just another B-movie that happens to star Chuck Norris. I like it enough, but I won’t call it good.

REVIEW OF 10 TO MIDNIGHT

From manlymovie.net

Years ago I read a review by Roger Ebert for a Charles Bronson movie, 10 To Midnight.  It was scathing, being awarded a rare 0/4 or as I remember it, 0/5.  Ebert called it ‘shameful’ and a ‘scummy little sewer’ of a movie.  However, when most people would run a mile, I deduced that Charles Bronson was just too manly for some people to watch, that his actions and  movies were too brutally right wing. And that this raging review was probably a good sign.  And I made a note to watch 10 To Midnight.  A while later I caught it on late night television and thought that it wasn’t too bad at all.  Mostly because of Mr. Bronson’s sheer alpha presence and actions and his bald-faced measures in the face of assorted trash ruining the streets.

There’s a mad slasher on the loose, some weirdo running around buck naked knifing women in the gut.  Cop Charles Bronson finds this unacceptable and decides to put the squeeze on the main suspect.  But in the interrogation room, big Charlie loses his cool with the smart-mouthed pervert and gives him some mild Bronson justice, which lets the crook get off in court.  But it’s only when the maniac turns his attention to Bronson’s daughter (Lisa Eilbacher, who appeared in Beverly Hills Cop the following year), breathing heavily down the phone and threatening to rape her, when our hero goes into Bronson mode.  Now out of the police, Bronson, too, is on the loose.  And the maniac has to contend with his own maniac coming for him.

I laughed heartily multiple times throughout this manly movie.  For instance, when Bronson turns vigilante and gives the villain a dose of his own medicine, driving alongside him, getting inside his head.  The maniac loses his cool and henceforth refers to Bronson as the ‘dirty shit’.  Not so bad when you got your own nut stalking you, eh?  I mean, this movie is not as good as any of the Death Wishes.  Too slow and serious in some parts and is clearly trying to be a psycho thriller.  So you shouldn’t expect too much of it.  It is what it is.

By the way, when watching this recently two things crossed my mind. There’s something ‘Terminator’-ish about the mad naked villain wandering around under the Los Angeles street lights, especially the blue haze and, it has to be said, sort of shitty soundtrack beats of both movies. It’s as if the movie slightly influenced Cameron, a naked murderer who is clearly working out running amok. Second, when I watched this originally, Bronson is describing the murder of a woman to his partner, by a husband who was sick of her interfering. When I watched that originally, the blasé manner in which Bronson described the murder was quite frankly extremely funny. However in the DVD version, the dialogue seems different, as does Bronson’s mannerisms and delivery. I’m almost sure of it.

But anyway, it’s the ending that really kicks ass with this movie.  Here be SPOILERS.  Bronson, having turned vigilante, confronts the mad freak threatening his daughter.  And in front of about 20-40 witnesses, executes the suspect in cold blood as he pleads to be taken in and attempts to come quietly.  Most of the witnesses are cops and all of them couldn’t give a shit.  Then the movie just ends.  It was possibly his manliest execution of a pissant villain, until the rocket launcher murder at the end of Death Wish 3, or the 20mm grenade launcher murder at the end of Death Wish 4!

‘When the guilty go free, the system is the crime’ — is there such thing as a bad Bronson movie?!

REVIEW OF TROLL

From thatwasabitmental.com

You may already be aware of Troll 2, the movie some claim is the worst film ever made. I’ve already reviewed it, because that’s how cutting edge and cool and shit I am.

But what about the first Troll? What was so interesting about that film that someone decided it needed a sequel? Is it just as bad as its successor? How do they link up?

Actually, Troll has nothing to do with Troll 2. The latter was originally named Goblin until it was decided that changing the name to pretend it was a sequel to Troll would gain it extra credibility. No punchline necessary.

Troll, then, tells the story of a young lad called Harry Potter – and this is eleven years before JK Rowling came up with the same name, mind – who moves into a new apartment with his mum, his sister and his dad. Who’s also called Harry Potter.

Within minutes his sister, Wendy, goes down to the basement of the apartment block and encounters a troll, which possesses Wendy’s body and pretends to be her.

Cue shits and/or giggles as Wendy starts acting like a slob and saying bizarre things like “I know what death looks like” while her parents look on confused.

Young Harry’s onto her though: he knows that isn’t his sister anymore and he plans to find out what’s going on. Thankfully, as luck would have it there’s a witch called Eunice living in the apartment block who knows.

You see, the troll is called Torok and he’s a bit of a prick. Years ago he was married to Eunice but he started to want too much power so he was banished or some shit. I don’t know, I got confused.

Either way, now he’s back and disguised as Wendy, and he’s using a magical green ring to transform the apartments of other residents into woodland environments so he can turn the world back into his own troll forest, one apartment at a time.

Not only that, but Torok is also ‘killing’ the people in each apartment, using his green ring to transform them into elves, fairies, nymphs and other trolls. Look, I didn’t say this was going to be 12 Years A Slave or anything.

It’s therefore up to Harry and Eunice to figure out a way to put a stop to Torok so the world isn’t transformed into a massive troll land and Harry’s sister can get her body back.

In case you haven’t guessed by now, Troll‘s plot is madder than a fire-breathing kiwi fruit. Points for originality though, especially with the Harry Potter name. Talk about being ahead of its time.

It’s also got a number of surprisingly big names starring in it: some already accomplished at the time, others pre-fame. Michael Moriarty (Law & Order) plays Harry Potter Sr while his son is Noah Hathaway, otherwise known as the wee dick from The Neverending Story.

Meanwhile, Sonny Bono plays a swinging neighbour who gets turned into a plant, while a pre-Seinfeld Julia Louis-Dreyfus lives in another flat and becomes a nymph, complete with skimpy fig leaf bikini. Bet she regrets that now.

Finally, Eunice is played by Lost In Space (the TV version) and Lassie actress June Lockhart and, in a genius touch, later transforms into a younger version of herself, played by her real-life daughter Anne Lockhart (who starred in the original Battlestar Galactica).

Troll is certainly a more accomplished film than its pretend sequel: of that there’s no question. Sadly, it’s also not quite as bad, which in a bizarre way means it’s not quite as entertaining, merely smile-inducing than hysteria-breeding.

By all means give it a go if you’d like to see a film that certainly offers something you won’t have seen before, but if you’re expecting another Ed Wood-level helping of shite you might ironically be disappointed by its moderate quality.

REVIEW OF SSSSSSS

From jigsawslair.blogspot.com

The movie begins with Dr.Carl Stoner(Martin) who is giving something away in a box. He is selling whatever it is to a freak show. He goes to see a friend of his, Dr. Daniels, to get his research grant extended. He wants a student to work with. He chooses David Blake(Benedict). Stoner has a pet snake called Harry. He also has a daughter called Kristina(Menzies) who David meets when he arrives at Stoner's house/lab. He shows David around and he gives him an injection which he says will protect him in case he gets bitten by a snake. Stoner has a King Cobra in a box and it is aggressive. Dr. Stoner performs a show with his snakes and people pay to see him.

David starts to feel different after a while. His skin starts to peel. The sheriff comes to see Stoner. He wants a tour of the snake lab. They are asking about a man called Tim who used to be his assistant. He is missing. David and Kristina become closer. It turns out that the doctor is turning David into a snake! David and Kristina visit a carnival and they see a snake man there. A local bully tries to fight with David and there is a scuffle. He comes to the house later and kills Harry. Stoner knows it was him and he goes off with a black mamba in a bag. He goes over to the bully's house and he finds the guy in the shower. He lets out his black mamba which bites the guy and kills him.

Dr Stoner finds out that Kristina and David have been spending a lot of time together and he isn't happy about it. David's face starts to change. Something is happening to his body. Stoner sends Kristina to pick up a snake for him to get her out of the way. Dr. Daniels comes looking for David. Stoner won't let him see David. Daniels tells him that he won't be getting his grant. He gets hit on the head by Stoner. He chains him up and he puts the key into a box filled with snakes. Daniels gets the key and gets attacked by a python. Kristina finds that she has time to kill and she visits the freak show again. She sees the snake man. She realises that it is Tim, the assistant. The Sheriff comes looking for Dr. Daniels.

David changes into a snake. Stoner keeps him in his lab. Stoner brings out his cobra and he gets bitten. He dies as David becomes a cobra. Kristina arrives back and sees what has happened. A mongoose is attacking David as she screams and the cops are there too. The movie ends with us not finding out what happened to either of them. This was a pretty good film. It is no masterpiece, by any means, but there is enough here to keep you entertained. I liked Dirk Benedict in this and the story is so bizarre, it's interesting. It isn't the greatest film, but the cast are pretty good and it is worth a look just to see a man transform into a snake!!! I will give this one a 5/10.

REVIEW OF PROJECT SHADOWCHASER

From bmovienation.com

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never been stuck in any kind of rat hole, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number three hundred and thirty one, It’s the 1990’s continues with 1992’s Project: Shadowchaser, and a bonus review of the badass action flick still playing in movie theatres, John Wick, starring Keanu Reeves. I had originally planned on reviewing the sequel to Project: Shadowchaser, Night Siege: Project: Shadowchaser II but I just didn’t have time, in the end, to watch it. It’ll get seen and reviewed at some point. That’s the hope, anyway.

Project: Shadowchaser, directed by John Eyres, is the first in a series of low budget sci-fi action flicks featuring Frank Zagarino as a killer android of some sort. There were four, although I believe the fourth one, Orion’s Key (aka Alien Chaser) is the only one not called Project: Shadowchaser in some way. The first Shadowchaser also stars the great Martin fucking Kove and the gorgeous Meg Foster, although I’m pretty sure everyone was more interested in seeing Zagarino’s android character kill people and whatnot. I’m also fairly certain that a good chunk of the people who rented this movie back in the early 1990’s thought the movie starred pro wrestler Sting, as Zagarino sort of looks like the old surfer Sting that was kicking butt back then. I know that’s what I thought until I actually read the video box.

So anyway, Zagarino stars as Romulus, a killer android super soldier created by the U.S. government that escapes from the lab and teams up with a bunch of human terrorists so they can kidnap and hold for ransom the daughter of the President of the United States. The first daughter, Sarah (Meg Foster), is being treated inside a major city hospital (the movie never says where exactly). The takeover of the hospital is quick and brutal as the terrorists kill multiple Secret Service agents and hospital security people and then detain the hospital employees and regular people who didn’t get out of the building fast enough. It doesn’t take long for the FBI to get involved and come up with a plan of attack for getting the First Daughter back. Agent Trevanian (Paul Koslo), the FBI agent in charge, decides to bring in a badass SWAT team to infiltrate the hospital and take down the bad guys. Trevanian also decides that the SWAT team will need the help of the architect responsible for designing the hospital, which is a good idea as long as the architect, a guy named Dixon, is alive and available, He’s alive, but he isn’t readily available. Dixon is in a nearby cryoprison, frozen for his crimes against the world. Trevanian gets the prison to unfreeze Dixon and bring him into the fold. If he agrees to help out (and, let’s face it, survives the SWAT assault) Dixon will get a full Presidential pardon. Dixon thinks it’s a good plan and agrees to help. However, there’s a massive problem with the plan. Dixon the architect isn’t Dixon the architect. Dixon is actually a man named Desilva (Martin fucking Kove), an ex-football player convicted of murder and sentenced to life in cryostasis.

Desilva, who really doesn’t want to go back into the fridge, plays along with the plan and hopes that the SWAT team doesn’t need his help all that much. He doesn’t know anything about architecture and doesn’t want to see anyone get killed, but, again, he doesn’t want to go back into stasis. So Desilva tags along with the SWAT team, answering questions and pretending that he knows what he’s doing. It doesn’t take long for Desilva’s obfuscation to cause a major problem and, while entering an elevator, the entire SWAT team is knocked out of commission with a booby trap bomb that sends the elevator crashing to the ground. Desilva manages to escape the elevator catastrophe and find a hiding place in the air conditioning duct work. What the heck is he going to do now?

After the destruction of the SWAT team Trevanian and his team figure out who “Dixon” actually is and flip out. What the hell is an ex-football player going to do against a band of heavily armed terrorists? He can’t save Sarah, can he? Well, if he wants that pardon Desilva better figure out how to become a Special Ops badass pretty damn quick. It’s a terrible plan, a terrible option, but what else is Trevanian going to do? It’s not like he has many viable options.

So Desilva becomes the FBI’s eyes and ears and action man inside the hospital, and Trevanian communicates with Romulus and his fellow terrorists. Romulus wants fifty million dollars or he’ll start killing hostages, including Sarah. To make sure that the FBI takes his group seriously Romulus murders and old man by throwing him out a window. That bastard!

While all of that is going on, Sarah, a rather resourceful woman, manages to escape from her room and into the ductwork, hoping to find a way out of the hospital. The terrorists go after her, as you’d expect them to, but since she’s so dang resourceful she stays away from them. Sarah also ends up running into Desilva, and it’s at this point that Desilva starts fighting the terrorists head on (well, as much as an ex-football player can). Desilva does kill a few of the bad guys, but you get the sense that he gets them via dumb luck. Sarah helps a bit, too, but she isn’t all that proficient with machine guns.

And while all of that is going on, Trevanian and his team figure out what Romulus actually is and who is responsible for creating him. Kinderman (Joss Ackland, the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2), a top notch government scientist, created Romulus as part of the Shadowchaser Project, a super- secret super soldier program that uses advanced robotics to create a killer android that destroys with remorse. It’s a great idea if bad things never ever happened, but hey, something bad happened and Romulus escaped. Who could have seen that happen?

So then some stuff happens, Desilva and Sarah decide that it’s a good idea to tea up and fight back, and all hell breaks loose. Suddenly both Desilva and Sarah become machine gun experts and terrorists start dropping like flies. It’s also at this point that Romulus decides to weapon up and attack Desilva and Sarah head on. Romulus wants to get paid, but if for some reason he can’t get paid he will make sure that Sarah and her protector don’t leave the hospital alive.

Project: Shadowchaser, at times, has pacing issues that drag down the story’s forward momentum. The flick’s “quiet moments” seem to drag on forever at times. It’s also weird how the hostage plot kicks in rather quickly but, after that, things slow down. There doesn’t seem to be any sense of urgency from anyone, especially the FBI. Shouldn’t the FBI of the future have more than one SWAT team ready to go in the event that there’s a major event where its skills are needed? It’s also weird how, despite the mix up in the cryo lab caused by the pot smoking attendant, the FBI doesn’t have a photo of Dixon the architect. Yes, I know that, back in 1992, no one thought that the world would have access to seemingly instant information on everyone and everything, but you would think that the future would have easier access to information like who built a big, modern hospital in a major city. Wouldn’t there have been newspaper stories with pictures of the architect? Why wouldn’t the FBI have access to that?

The whole cryostasis thing for criminals isn’t explained all that well, either. When did the government start freezing criminals and, ultimately, what’s the point of doing it? Someone in the movie sort of explains what the cryostasis thing is all about but it comes off as a half-assed explanation more than anything else. And what else do future people do? Why isn’t there more “advanced technology” on display in the future? If the government can build a killer android why can’t it also build laser machine guns?

The last fifteen minutes contain a twist that, in retrospect, I should have seen coming from a mile away but it’s still a bit of a surprise. What kind of killer android decides to pout when it becomes self-aware? Why would an android ever pout for any reason? And how does an android put together a team of terrorists? Is there some sort of computer database where potential names can be brought up?

The flick’s action scenes are generally good and exciting. The machine guns sound like movie machine guns and when people get show they get goddamn shot. The fight scenes are good but they don’t go on long enough. The movie also lacks killer android bits, which is a shame because Romulus is terrifying killer android. Part of that is his penchant for walking around nude while killing people, which is just gross. He also talks in this weird drone voice that, in the right state, could give you nightmares. I do wish I knew why Romulus likes walking around sans a shirt but wearing a trenchcoat. That comes off as especially weird behavior for a killer android.

Kove is, as usual, awesome as the flick’s anti-hero Desilva. Kove is in full on smart-ass mode most of the time, but when he has to break out the machine guns he clearly knows how to use them. He also has great chemistry with Meg Foster, who does a great job as the equally smart ass and difficult Sarah. The scene where they argue about a football game is one of the movie’s highlights. It’s also great how both Kove and Foster are completely committed to their roles despite the fact the situation they find themselves in is ridiculous.

Paul Koslo does an adequate job as Trevanian. It seems as though he’s holding back most of the time, which doesn’t really work as you’d think that Trevanian would become more unhinged as the movie progresses. I mean, his entire hostage rescue strategy falls apart. Why isn’t he angrier? And when he finds out that Desilva isn’t Dixon why isn’t he foaming at the mouth? Joss Ackland, as expected, is slimy as hell as Kinderman. You’re not quite sure if he’s a good guy or a villain, but you do know that you don’t like him (you can hate good guys sometimes).

Angie Hill-Richmond is interesting as the female terrorist Jonah. She acts as though she’s the girlfriend of Romulus but, since he’s an android, maybe it’s just a show? You can’t tell. Hill-Richmond also has an interesting look in the movie (short blonde hair and a blank expression on her face). The movie should have done more with her. The movie also should have done more with Trevanian’s underlings Whiteside and Blackwood, played by Raymond Evans and Robert Freeman. They have great buddy chemistry that should have given them at least two funny scenes beyond what they get to do already in the movie. Perhaps there are deleted scenes somewhere showing this?

It isn’t perfect but Project: Shadowchaser is a minor sci-fi action classic from the early 1990’s. It’s a little too slow for its own good but it’s good where it counts. Martin fucking Kove and Meg Foster are great. They should have been in the sequel.

See Project: Shadowchaser. See it, see it, see it.

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: At least 20.

Explosions: Multiple.

Nudity?: None beyond the “Zagarino walking around nude in the lab” opening titles sequence.

Doobage: Computer nonsense, a naked human android massacre, head through a computer monitor, wheelchair hooey, a Pepsi machine, machine gun hooey, the death of random people in a hospital, total office destruction, pot smoking, a cryo prison, a fat henchman, multiple escapes via duct work, exploding door, a booby-trapped elevator, throwing a hostage out of a window, toilet top to the back, face slapping, attempted rape, face kicking, chair breaking, electroshock paddles to the head, multiple grenade attacks, ceiling hooey, off screen hostage killing, playful finger biting, dress ripping, a quick nap, exploding henchman, exploding gurney, a philosophical discussion of the meaning of freedom, android attack, wound fixing, a double cross, metal pole javelin through the chest, finger removal, scalpel to the leg, fire extinguisher to the face, awesome “man on fire” gag, injection scalpel to the forehead, multiple exploding rooms, a nifty chopper stunt, and beer drinking.

Kim Richards?: None.

Gratuitous: Naked human android, Meg Foster, Paul Koslo, a pot smoking doctor, Martin fucking Kove, computer hacking, fax machine hooey, a silent running helicopter, a dot matrix printer, Joss Ackland, exploding henchman, a series of timed booby traps, and an awesome man on fire gag.

Best lines: “You like Italian? Italian what? Politics?,” “You’ve got two minutes to clear out this area. You now have less than two minutes to clear out this area,” “Oh, shit, someone is having a serious party,” “Anybody got a beer?,” “Say hello to your father, Sarah,” “No one is telling you do gung ho. Good, because I don’t do gung ho,” “Romulus Shadowchaser? What the hell is this?,” “I’m telling you, Desilva, stay out of our way!,” “I out a goddamn football player up there?,” “Bitch!,” “Hey, asshole, can you hear me?,” “Same old Trevanian,” “You gotta be kidding me. This psycho is an android?,” “Do I look like a goddamn terrorist? Yes!,” “But what if the creation destroys the creator? That is true freedom,” “Step down from office? You’re insane,” “Hey, sweetness, my grandmother can shoot better than that! And she’s dead!,” and “You sonofabitch.”

REVIEW OF THE STINGIEST MAN IN TOWN

From film.avclub.com

For years, The Stingiest Man In Town has existed as a kind of lost treasure of the earliest days of televised Christmas specials. Originally broadcast as an episode of The Alcoa Hour in 1956, the special has lived on as a very good original cast recording and an inferior Rankin-Bass animated special, but the original, live broadcast—recorded on kinescope—was thought lost forever until it recently turned up in the collection of a former Alcoa executive. The production was actually the second of two live musical versions of A Christmas Carol produced for television in the ’50s (a 1954 version featured a song score by Bernard Herrmann!), but its significance stems both from the craft on display from authors Janice Torre and Fred Spielman and the sheer scale of the production. Boasting a budget of over $1 million, Stingiest was one of the most expensive television productions made in that era.

As with most surviving live TV broadcasts from the ’50s, the video and audio quality of Stingiest Man is somewhat variable, and the production format and values will seem dated to modern eyes. Filmed using multiple cameras, the musical makes full use of the setup, sending cameramen into the throng of extras to track the lead singer as he walks along a crowded city street or using extreme close-ups to track the changing emotions in Scrooge’s heart. While the multiple-camera setup necessarily dates the production in many ways, there are several daring and unconventional shots (as when the cameraman shoots a portion of the opening number from inside one of the buildings on the large set) that few multi-camera shows would even attempt today, and the sheer number of people on stage—people who are often singing and dancing—at any given time suggests just how much of a logistical headache this was to coordinate.

But there are also several good reasons to watch Stingiest Man. Torre and Spielman’s score is delightful, with Torre’s lyrics and book condensing the tale of Scrooge ably in under 90 minutes. Spielman’s music evokes the Christmas season without utilizing any seasonal standards, and Daniel Petrie’s direction keeps things rolling along, always finding ways to suggest complicated emotional transitions through a simple image or camera move. The strongest moment for all three may be the closing of Act One, when a younger Scrooge’s estrangement from his young love is indicated efficiently by fellow dancers in the musical number constructing a wall between the two.

The special is also notable for featuring Basil Rathbone’s turn as Scrooge. While not at the level of an Alastair Sim or a George C. Scott, Rathbone offers an admirable take on the famous part. Spielman and Torre’s score requires him to sing an entire song—“Mankind Should Be My Business”—about his change of heart at the end of the musical, and Rathbone firmly commits to the idea that this man isn’t wholly changed yet but is willing to try. His “bad” and “good” Scrooge mannerisms are the same, suggesting a man who’s still figuring out the complicated business of doing the right thing after years of doing wrong.

Though filled with the sorts of minor mistakes that marked the live-television era—at one point, singer Johnny Desmond as Scrooge’s nephew Fred completely botches a musical cue and has to be saved by the chorus—and though faded away on both a video and audio level in spots, The Stingiest Man In Town remains a brisk retelling of one of the most famous stories ever told, a retelling that boasts fun songs, a good deal of TV history being made, and a great central performance. There’s plenty of value here for more than just TV historians.

Key features: None to speak of, although the special is followed by the original post-air messages from 1956, including a lengthy ad for Alcoa, for those of you who need to be convinced of the wonders of aluminum this holiday season.

REVIEW OF ANDY WARHOL'S FRANKENSTEIN

From colesmithey.com

Commonly referred to as “Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein” (what on Earth could be better?), Paul Morrissey directed “Flesh for Frankenstein” with a dry camp sensibility that he exploits hilariously, and relentlessly, for truly inspired gory (and nude) episodes of Grand Guignol exaltation. Makeup wiz Carlo Rambaldi (“Alien”) has a field day. Most significant in this gruesome parade is its premeditated use of the Space-Vision 3D process to allow disemboweled organs to dangle in front of audience’s noses. If this movie ever comes to your neighborhood in 3D, don’t miss it. It may well be the best use ever made of the stereoscopic process. The ratings board gave this movie an X rating for a reason.

Morrissey co-wrote the Hammer-inspired horror movie with two uncredited screenwriters (Tonino Guerra – “Blowup” and Pat Hackett). The movie is all about the set-up, style, and tone. If the dialogue seems atrociously stiff, that is the intention. Baron von Frankenstein (exquisitely played for hammy effect by Udo Kier) shares his remote castle with his nymphomaniac wife/sister Katrin (Monique van Vooren). Katrin’s pre-pubescent son and daughter secretly follow in Dr. Frankenstein’s footprints. With his submissive servant Otto (Arno Juerging) beside him, and hair slicked back in a Dracula-inspired style, the good doctor likes to stick it in the surgically opened gallbladder of his not-yet-alive female creation. Cue the 3D effects.

Udo Kier delivers the film’s money line when he categorically states, “to know death Otto, you have to fuck life in the gallbladder.” Hilarious.

Dr. Frankenstein goes on about creating life that represents Serbian ideals that “comes from the ancient Greeks” built of a head with the right “nasum” (nose).

Joe Dallesandro (“Little Joe” of Lou Reed’s “Take a Walk on the Wild Side” fame) steals the movie as Nicholas, the castle stable boy (a.k.a. stud) who Lady Katrin seduces and claims as her own. Dallesandro’s Brooklyn accent and physical bearing brings an intriguing undercurrent of global cross-pollination in the film’s European environs. Martin Scorsese followed in this film’s footsteps when he made “The Last Temptation of Christ” in 1988.

Other filmmakers also stole from “Flesh For Frankenstein.” David Cronenberg clearly took inspiration from this movie for “Videodrome” and eXistenZ. There is also no question that this deeply satisfying picture informed the set design and comic tone for “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” which also took its ideas from Peter Perry Jr.’s “Kiss Me Quick!” (1964).

“Andy Warhol’s Flesh For Frankenstein” is a riot. Even its closing tableau is socially transcendent, and transgressive. The movie periodically achieves its operatic aspirations. It also happens to be one of the most simultaneously gloriously gross and sexy horror movies you’ll ever see. Oh what sublime joy.

APRIL 4 VHS MOVIE REVIEW : NIGHTMARE SISTERS (1987)

This was director David DeCoteau's third "straight" horror film (following DREAMANIAC [1986] and CREEPOZOIDS [1987]), after a career of directing gay and straight porn using the name "David McCabe". After watching NIGHTMARE SISTERS, it's plain to se Mr. DeCoteau still didn't have the whole porn thing out of his system, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, since this film stars 80's scream queens Linnea Quigley (NIGHT OF THE DEMONS - 1988), Brinke Stevens; SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY - 1987) and Michelle Bauer (DEATH ROW DINER - 1988; appearing here using the name "Michelle McClennan"), who are naked here as much as possible (All three would reteam in DeCoteau's SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA [1988], but minus any Linnea Quigley nudity). The film opens with widow Amanda Detweiler (Sandy Brooke) going to obviously phony fortune teller Omar (a funny Michael Sonye; BLOOD DINER - 1987; here using his frequent pseudonym "Dukey Flyswatter") to find out what really happened to her late husband Clinton, who was found in a pile of ashes in a hotel bedroom in Dallas. After fleecing Mrs. Detweiler out of cash and her late husband's jewelry, Omar peeks into his crystal ball and is possessed by Clinton, who we find out was fucked to death by a succubus and then spontaneously combusted. Poor Omar is also killed by the succubus, whose hands reach through the crystal ball and rip his head off (which leads into a hilarious musical segue to the opening credits, thanks to Sonye and his band, Haunted Garage, who supply songs to the film's soundtrack). We are then introduced to three homely sorority girls of Tri Eta Pi (groan!), all alone in their sorority house: Melody (Quigley, wearing an ugly set of fake buck teeth), Marci (Stevens, with her hair pulled back and wearing geeky eyeglasses) and Mickey (Bauer, in a fat suit complete with latex makeup appliances). While they are commiserating on why they can't get boyfriends, Marci comes home with a box of junk she picked up at a flea market. One of the items is the late Omar's crystal ball, so you know there's going to be trouble soon. The girls decide to throw a party, so Melody calls her equally geeky almost-boyfriend Kevin (Richard Gabai) and asks him to come over and bring two male friends with him. Kevin and his nerdy pledge brothers, Freddy (Matthew Vaughter) and Duane (William Dristas), are forbidden to go to the party by cruel fraternity pledge masters Phil (Timothy Kauffman), J.J. (Matthew Phelps) and Bud (C.J. Cox), but they sneak out a window and go anyway. After playing a game of Twister in the backyard (Where Mickey nearly crushes everyone to death), the group decides to hold a séance using the crystal ball. The girls become possessed by the succubi and are turned into beautiful sexbombs after being warned by the disembodied head of Omar and before you can say "Hey, my clothes fell off!", the three girls are topless and tempting the guys with pie and sex! When Phil and his fraternity brothers discover their pledges' treachery, they head over to the sorority house and can't believe their eyes when they peek through the window. Only Kevin keeps a straight head about him and tries to find a way to reverse the curse (although he's not above peeping on the girls through a keyhole as they take a naked bubble bath together). Phil and his fraternity brothers get their just desserts (all three get their dicks bit off [offscreen]) and are turned into piles of ashes, while Kevin and his friends try to return the girls back to their homely selves. Perhaps an exorcist will do the trick?  NIGHTMARE SISTERS is one of those ultra-cheap, direct-to-VHS quickies (shot in four days and it shows) that lined the video store shelves during the mid-to-late-80's. It's just an excuse to show Linnea (who performs a song), Brinke and Michelle (who deep-throats a banana!) without clothes as much as possible. While that's never a bad thing, director David DeCoteau (LADY AVENGER - 1988; LEECHES! - 2003) and screenwriter Kenneth J. Hall (EVIL SPAWN - 1987; THE HALFWAY HOUSE - 2004) toss-in a lot of juvenile humor ("They sure made an ash out of him!") and some real amateur acting (Timothy Kauffman is simply awful) and not enough violence or gore (even Omar's beheading is bloodless). While it is always a pleasure to see some beautiful women in the buff, one wishes there were a little more meat to the story. Oh well, you can't have everything. The openly gay DeCoteau would eventually begin to throw a lot of gay subtext and imagery into his later films, which is great for the gay community, but not so great for straight, boob-loving guys like myself. Tony Malanowski, the director of the terrible NIGHT OF HORROR (1978) and CURSE OF THE CANNIBAL CONFEDERATES (1982), was Editor, Post Production Supervisor, Sound Editor and Sound Designer here. DeCoteau uses his "David McCabe" and "Ellen Cabot" pseudonyms in the final credits. Also starring Jim Culver as the American Express-taking Exorcist Perrin, who Kevin finds in the Yellow Pages. Originally released on VHS by Trans World Entertainment and later on (fullscreen) DVD by Retromedia Entertainment. Not Rated. { text from critcononline.com }