Masters of the Universe, the 1987 movie starring Dolph Lundgren that transferred what was at the time one of the most successful toy lines of all time to the big screen, wasn’t as well received as anybody hoped. The modestly budgeted He-Man movie underperformed at the box office, and response was so lukewarm that it’s credited as one of the factors that toppled the Masters of the Universe toyline from absolute mastery of the boy's action figure market to mere afterthought in the space of a year.

Much has been made of the failures of the Masters of the Universe movie, and the disappointment inherent in the decision to set the vast majority of the film on Earth: two teenagers and a bumbling detective are the primary POV characters; there are obvious Star Wars echoes with Skeletor’s robotic not-stormtroopers and Gwildor’s cut-rate Yoda appearance; it's located in an incongruous small town California setting complete with the seemingly obligatory 1950s imagery that kept popping up in '80s flicks; the bonus presence of Marty McFly's high school principal, James Tolkan. There's a certain quaintness to how much of the film plays like a pastiche of family blockbuster conventions of the era.

But when you look purely at the fantasy and sci-fi elements, Masters of the Universe has aged remarkably well. 

Unlike Cannon’s other 1987 flop, the disastrous Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (which MoTUsiphoned some of its budget off of), Masters of the Universe isn't a complete creative failure. While the comparatively grounded setting means there’s a little less high-tech sword and sorcery action than He-Man devotees were expecting, first-time film director Gary Goddard made the most of the modest $17 million budget. 

Bill Stout, who was the concept artist on Tobe Hooper's underrated 1986 Invaders From Marsremake and (more recently) Guillermo del Toro's lush and creepy Pan's Labyrinth, had much to do with the movie managing to retain its sense of scope despite the fact that the vast majority of the action on Eternia takes place in one room. Initially reluctant to take on the job because of the concept's toy aisle roots, Stout eventually relented and brought a sense of realism not usually associated with Masters of the Universeto the project.

"There had to be little doubt in the audience's mind that these were real characters," he told Starlogin 1987. Compared to the relatively spare designs of the cartoon and the cartoonish proportions of the toys, many of the movie's character, set, and costume designs hold their own against some of the best genre films of the era.

The statues that line the Castle Greyskull throne room, an enormous set constructed across two soundstages, were intended, according to director Gary Goddard, to represent Eternia's technology based religion, interesting when you consider that this is a world where magic exists, as well. "I didn't want to tie the throne room into just a sword and sorcery thing," Goddard said, "it's the past and future all rolled into one."

Frank Langella, unrecognizable under the Skeletor makeup designed by Michael Westmore, is the real star of the film. He delivers a surprisingly restrained performance considering the subject matter, even dropping in an ad-libbed line from Richard III as he dispatches one of his failed bounty hunters. Lundgren is, of course, physically perfect as He-Man, looking considerably larger (if that’s even possible) and more defined than he did as Ivan Drago in his breakthrough in Rocky IV. Although at this point in his career he wasn’t quite as good at hiding his accent as he was by 1989’s The Punisher.

Goddard wisely elected to shoot the majority of any earthbound scenes featuring He-Man and friends at night with the rationale that doing so would make them look a little less ridiculous in such mundane surroundings. He’s not wrong, although most fans would have preferred a He-Man movie that kept its focus on Eternia and the amazing visuals it would contain.

It wasn’t to be, though. Cannon determined that Mastershad to be brought in under budget, and Goddard and company had to scramble to shoot a suitable ending for the movie. Despite the presence of Man-at-Arms and Teela, fans of the cartoon noted the lack of many recognizable heroes and villains, but two in particular. He-Man’s magical steed Battle Cat is absent as is irritating floating magical imp, Orko. “Orko would have been hard to adapt and prohibitively expensive,” Goddard says on the Blu-ray commentary, and that probably went triple for Battle Cat. Instead we get the equally annoying Gwildor, a character impressive if only for burying 73-year-old Billy Barty under several pounds of rubber makeup.

First wave toy baddie Beast Man (Tony Carroll in some impressive prosthetics) makes the cut, although he doesn't have any actual lines (this was a speaking role in an earlier draft, however) and Evil-Lyn is brought to life wonderfully by Meg Foster. The rest of Skeletor's crew of baddies is made up by toy ready villains created specifically for the film. Karg, who Bill Stout described as "a little Hitler. A half-human, half-bat creature who has strange dental tools to do his dirty work," Blade, a fairly self-explanatory cyborg swordsman, and Saurod, a hideous reptile/robot hybrid. At one point, we might have also been treated to Arachno, "a man with the eyes and poison mandibles of a giant spider," and Mantoid "a cyborg robot with infrared-vision [and] long, telescoping limbs designed for seizing things."

Stout was particularly proud of Saurod. "Pons Maar as Saurod was so incredible that we all regretted killing him off so early in the movie," he said in Dark Horse's excellent The Art of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe book. "I took great pains to design every single aspect of Saurod, even down to his contact lenses."

While Cannon's budgetary concerns certainly affected how much time we could spend on Eternia, a He-Man movie set entirely on an alien world was never really in the cards. An earlier draft of David Odell’s script dated December 1985, nearly two years before the film’s August 1987 release date, indicates that the fish out of water/Wizard of Oz elements were already firmly in place, and the movie’s entire middle section is virtually identical to what was ultimately filmed.

However, there are some noticeable differences. There’s more time spent on Eternia in Odell’s early draft, particularly during the film’s climax. While the movie transports the characters directly back to the Castle Greyskull throne room where the final battle almost immediately ensues, the script put them in the jungles of Eternia, where they then have to journey through the caverns under Greyskull, and even encounter some allies who would have helped flesh out the all-important movie tie-in merchandise.

The noble warriors who would have joined He-Man's fight at the end all boast appropriately on-the-nose names and abilities. There was Blastar "who can fire powerful energy beams from his hands," Mandroid "the left side of whose body is pure robot, with powerful weapons concealed in the robot half," Nettor "who can fling thin gossamer nets stronger than heavy steel cable," Mirroman "whose armor is covered with shiny mirror segments that can catch and reflect back the laser beams of his opponents," and Wizaroid who is (you guessed it) "a powerful magician." While Mattel was probably looking forward to these characters making an appearance so they could have exploited them for toy sales, obviously they would have pushed Cannon's finances much further than they would have wanted.

What would have been the most important bit didn't make the final cut (although it did make it into the Marvel Comics adaptation of the film) was the revelation that Eternia had first been colonized by astronauts from Earth’s future, including He-Man's mother.

While the additional time on Eternia certainly would have been welcomed in the finished film, Skeletor's spectacular transformation into his golden godlike form wasn't in this draft, and the final throwdown with He-Man was a little more traditional. It's a trade off, but audiences probably got the better end of this deal in the long run. As a quick aside, note that the purple banners in the Castle Greyskull throne room change from purple to gold after Skeletor has his psychedelic apotheosis.

While some of the early production art was done by sci-fi comics legend Moebius (who famously storyboarded the entirety of Alejandro Jodorowsky’s ill-fated Dunemovie, the shadow of comics legend Jack Kirby looms large over Masters of the Universe. The toy line itself certainly took a lot of inspiration from Kirby's cosmic comic book work (particularly The New Gods), and the movie looks more like a live-action Jack Kirby comic than most of the Marvel superhero movies of recent years that actually feature characters he created.

Gary Goddard was never shy about the Kirby connection. "The storyline was greatly inspired by the classic Fantastic Four/Doctor Doom epics, The New Gods and a bit of Thor thrown in here and there," Goddard told John Byrne in a letter to Byrne's Next Men comic (via this handy Comic Book Resources article) in 1994. The director said he “desperately wanted” Jack Kirby to do the concept art for the Masters of the Universe movie, but Cannon wasn’t having it. Failing that, Goddard wanted to dedicate the movie to Kirby, but Cannon ultimately put the kibosh on that too. 

The Kirby influence is there if you know where to look, though. Gwildor’s workshop, which is far more than just a hi-tech version of Yoda’s Dagobah hovel from Empire Strikes Back, is filled to the bursting with bizarre machinery that resembles stuff out of Kirby’s dreams. The time/space gateways that the Cosmic Key opens are as close as we’ll ever see to the Boom Tubes that Kirby’s New Gods use to traverse the cosmos. Skeletor’s ornate “god” armor after his metamorphosis during the film’s climax feels like something straight out of panels from Kirby's later '70s return to Marvel. The flying platforms that the Air Centurions zip around on (they were actually designed by essential Star Warsconcept artist Ralph McQuarrie...his other designs didn't make it into the film, sadly) are reminiscent of Orion’s preferred method of transport.

There are plenty of similarities if you want to look for them, whether they're intentional or not. Perhaps someone should have given Goddard a chance to make a New Gods movie in the late 1980s.

While Masters of the Universeis no cinematic classic by any stretch of the imagination, there's an attention to craft here sorely lacking in most other attempts to bring toy lines to the big screen. It will never be more than a tantalizing glimpse of what might have been were it under the guidance of a studio with a little more capital to invest, but thanks to some talented folks who refused to talk down to material even as potentially silly as He-Man, it's still worth a look. 

"We need pictures like this one," Billy "Gwildor" Barty said during filming. "We're bombarded with so much reality in our everyday lives that it has destroyed our urge to dream. Fantasies like Masters of the Universe spark imaginations and encourage people to dream again."

Slade Wilson has fucked up Oliver’s life so much that he doesn’t even make an appearance this episode and yet his presence is felt so heavily.  The crazy thing about this episode is that there really isn't a lot of action.  But it's filled with so much emotion and tension that it's not only compelling TV but really makes you wonder how this season is going to end (chances are,  likes season 1, it won't be a happy ending).  After the events of last episode it's no surprise that Oliver is finally broken.  Hell, I’m still a little broken myself.  When he didn't show up to the funeral or the reception and Diggle & Felicity had no idea where he had gone, I thought Oliver reverted back to his old habits of running from his problems. But when they find him and he's dressed for his mom's funeral and he tells them he just couldn't bring himself to leave, I realized just how broken he was.    And it was shocking to see.  We've seen him emotional and irrational before but never broken.  Oliver is always the strong one.  But at that point Slade had defeated him.  Slade Wilson made Oliver a promise and he's kept it.  He took everything Oliver loved and broke him and it was rough to watch.  Oliver was literally to the point of giving up and just turning himself over to Slade so that he could be killed and it would all be over.

And who is the one that brings Oliver back from the brink of defeat?  Laurel Lance.  I feel like I should do a victory lap.  I've been telling folks that I think they were working on something big for Laurel and it's really coming to fruition.  Just like Oliver was there to support her earlier in the season, now she's here to give him the support and motivation he needs.   Laurel is a fighter.  She always has been and now that she's worked her way back up from the bottom to now being the strong survivor she is.  This is the character I caught glimpses of in Season One when everyone was saying she was terrible.  And now that the writers have put her through emotional hell, Laurel has emerged with not only a sense of purpose but clarity.  I don’t think her transformation is done and I liked the fact that she didn’t want to just sit back and watch everyone else risk their life to save the city.  There was so much emotion when she talked to Oliver about being there when Tommy died and why he didn’t tell her.  I really hope she doesn’t die because there’s still so much potential for this character to grow into a huge ally for Oliver.  I mean hell, she's already blackmailed her way back into her job and now she's illegally bugging the office of the Mayor.  How can you not love Laurel?

I love that Isabel just popped up at the reception.  How disrespectful is that? Diggle & Felicity thought she was dead and she shows up at Moira’s funeral reception to give them an ominous warning.   And then to rub salt into the wound, she shows up and tells Thea that Verdant is property of Queen Consolidated.   I really thought for a minute there that the only member of the Queen family that would have any kind of business would be Thea with the club but that's gone too.  Of course that means so is Oliver's base of operations at the Foundry.   But it seems as though Oliver had a plan for that with his backup location (that we aren't sure where it is).  The only real down side is that Isabel's Ravager outfit might take some getting used to.  They were trying to go with a mashup of both the comic book version and keeping it similar to Slade's current costume on the show.  It’s not bad but it does look weird on her.  Summer Glau is in that Manu Bennett category with me now.  While her character Isabel hasn’t been as big of a presence as Bennett’s Slade Wilson, I still don’t want to see her go.  I hope there’s some way for them to keep both of these characters around because I think they’re not played by a good actor/actress but they offer a constant menacing presence.  Villainy aside, Isabel is still the CEO of Queen Consolidated and the stock for the company is on the rise because of it. I think that could really play into Season 3.

Even with the depressing tone of this episode, it was nice to get a laugh from Felicity basically having an orgasm at all the tech at ARGUS.  Her nerdiness and awkwardness is always a welcomed relief on this show.  I have a feeling ARGUS and Waller are going to play a bigger role soon.  Maybe not in these last 2 episodes but I believe they'll be a force early on in Season 3. How does Waller & ARGUS know about this secondary hideout of Oliver?  Waller seemed to not only know about this second hideout but that Oliver goes there frequently.  Is ARGUS keeping tabs on Oliver?  I just have a feeling they're up to something no good over there.

One thing that struck me was that during the conversation Oliver had with Blood at the restaurant, Oliver told Blood that Slade was only motivated by revenge and that he would go back on his promise.  Thing is...I’m not so sure.  I have no doubt that Slade coming after Oliver is personal, but I believe Slade  has a larger plan in play for a reason we aren't so sure of.  Slade helping Blood become Mayor and supplying him with an army to wreak havoc on the city seems like overkill.  I know that seems silly to say about a guy who just ran a sword through Oliver's mom the episode before but think about it.  Everything Slade has done has been pretty calculated and specific to breaking down Oliver.  And even after he killed Moira he said "only one death left."  I mean he could mean metaphorically the death of the city but that seems to abstract for Slade.  And having Blood become mayor doesn't seem necessary unless there's a bigger plan in play.  I honestly think Slade has bigger plans than just destroying and killing Oliver.  I also believe there’s someone else involved in running the shots.  Where did he get all his money from?  How did he meet Isabel?  Did she fund him and if so where did she get her money from?  There' s something larger going on here and I think it's going to leave us with a "Holy Shit" moment during the Season Finale.

The only negative thing I have to say is that it really feels like they've being obvious with Roy.  It seems pretty obvious that he'll get the cure right when the venom wears off.  Now of course, the writers of this show always have a trick up their sleeve so I really there’s a good chance it won’t be that obvious or go that smoothly and I'm hoping so.  If there’s one thing I could ask for more next season is that they actually bring Roy more into the team and have him being used more.  There’s been so much going on and the writers have actually done a pretty good job juggling a lot of different characters and plots but it seems like Roy always gets the short end of the stick.  Even this episode they just show up knocked out on the table from snake venom.  I’m hoping they do something bigger with him.

For an episode with very little action in it, there's still so much here.  There's an overwhelming about of sadness and tension in this episode. And everything just keeps piling on.  When you see Slade/Blood's army spreading out through the city you realize just how big of a task Oliver has in front of him.  Slade & Isabel are always one step ahead of Oliver.  Oliver’s plan to crush Blood’s army was a good one but again, being one step ahead, Slade had a plan.  Not only were some of his men infiltrating the police department and transportation system but he also had Isabel there to take out Diggle (I’d love to see how Diggle escapes Isabel next week).   Just seem like there’s not a lot of hope left.  And I love it.  This is why I always say Arrow is the best show on TV folks aren’t watching.

here are different types of tape collectors. There are the nostalgia collectors who like to collect movies they might have watched on tape when they were kids. There are the collectors who never really go out of their way to find a tape but pick one up if they ever see it cheap at a thrift store. Then there are the collectors like me — those who search hard for the most obscure, weird, and just insane movie they can find. There is just such a feeling of accomplishment to know that you are one of the few people who has ever laid eyes upon, held in your own hands, or even ever heard of this little crazy film. Sometimes VHS collecting is like searching the deep web. At first, there’s nothing really that interesting. But the deeper you go, the more obscure, crazy, and even sometimes scary things you’ll find. Somewhere in this deep web-like void lays the mind-boggling horror/art film Doctor Strain the Body Snatcher.

So Bad It’s Good? Not Exactly!

Doctor Strain was distributed by Nina Films in 1990. It’s a horror/sci-fi movie that was directed by La Monte R. Fritts and Michael A. Cornejo and stars David Winkler and Carmine Puccio. I have absolutely no freaking idea what the plot of this movie is. Basically, this guy named Jessie goes to his uncle Dr. Strain who is working on a new study for cellular regeneration. But Dr. Strain has a problem. He has accidentally created zombies with his research. His study has also backfired, causing his skin to deteriorate. So he needs to switch bodies with Jessie? I have no idea, let’s just get to the review.

Let’s get one thing out of the way first… this is an awful movie! If you’re thinking about watching it, please don’t. You’ll spare yourself about 52 minutes of pure crap. If you’re a fan of insanely obscure artistic horror films, then maybe you should try to give it a watch. But that’s only if you can make it to the end of the film without dying of boredom. You see, that’s the worst thing about this movie. It’s just not entertaining at all.

bviously, as with most cheesy low-budget films, you expect the acting to be bad. But it’s not just bad, it’s horrendous! It makes the acting from Blood Cult seem Oscar-worthy. Most of the worst acting comes from Dr. Strain himself, who also happens to be the main character with the most screen time and dialogue. What in the hell were these casting directors smoking when they chose this guy (David Winkler) to play such a pivotal role?  He’s a guy with a speech impediment who delivers all his lines like he is reading them directly off cue cards. And there is so much exposition from Strain that it’s almost unbearable.

I can’t even comment on the other actor’s performances (although they were most likely cringe-worthy), because all I could think about was how relieved I was to hear anybody besides Dr. Strain talk for what feels like 7 hours straight. And that’s the worst part. When Strain talks, he doesn’t just talk like a regular human being. He has 7 minutes of lifeless dialogue about science. He just goes on and on, with his lisp, about some science experiment he’s conducting. I can’t tell you how much “plot” I missed from the doctor’s dialogue. It was just painfully (and I mean painfully) boring.

There were definitely semi-good things about this movie, or at least things I liked. You remember how I commented this movie is an art film? Well, it definitely feels like one in some of the scenes. The movie has something that I absolutely love in horror films, and that’s atmosphere. The movie (when it’s not completely stupid or boring) has a very odd and unsettling tone in some of its scenes. This is mostly due the music, effects, and lighting, which in my opinion are the only things the movie did right.

The music is nothing worthy enough to be in “real” movie, but it’s definitely one of the better parts of the movie. Also, the effects are pretty cool. The movie isn’t gory whatsoever, but it does have some interesting effects. I especially liked one scene involving a zombie with some kind of weird cream-like substance on its face.The overall creepy vibe was the only thing keeping me from turning off the TV. There is also some cool atmospheric scenes that don’t rely on music. Instead, we get some ambient wind noises, which is surprisingly effective.

While the movie is awful, I can’t tell whether I’ll be popping it in again anytime soon. It’s insanely boring, but I enjoyed it in a very strange way. I can’t really explain why. I think I appreciated the atmosphere and the director’s intentions (or un-intentions, I couldn’t really tell) for creating a strange, obscure, and artistic film. Even if it was mostly crap.

Before I get into my final thoughts and ratings, I guess I should talk about the tape itself. This movie is definitely rare. It’s not like 555 level rare, but you won’t be seeing it in any thrift store anytime soon. I don’t believe it’s extremely sought after. I think there just weren’t many copies made. So if you do come across the tape, display it proudly on a shelf for its rare value. Just think twice before actually watching it!

The cover art itself  is nothing too spectacular. It’s just a simple picture of Dr. Strain’s eerie face. It’s very simple, but I like it only because it’s as weird and obscure as the film itself. There is no point in talking about the distributor, Nina Films, since this is this only known release from them. Again, however, that’s kind of cool and adds to the obscure nature of this video.

The Bottom Line:

Doctor Strain the Body Snatcher is incredibly far from mainstream, insanely boring at parts, and includes absolutely stiff and horrid acting. But, it does create a very creepy and sometimes unsettling atmosphere, with cool music and eerie lighting. Definitely try to pick it up just for the rarity and display value. Just try to steer clear of popping it into the VCR, unless you (like me) love obscure and underground art films.

By the late 1980's the contemporary British horror movie was a rare bird, indeed. However, one movie changed that - albeit briefly - gaining rave reviews, boffo box-office (on both sides of the Atlantic), it spawned a still growing number of sequels. No, that movie wasn't GOODNIGHT, GOD BLESS, rather it was Clive Barker's tremendously successful HELLRAISER. This other little Brit genre flick, about a killer priest on a murderous rampage, didn't make a splash, in fact, it sunk like a stone beneath the waters with an absolute minimum of fuss. Be thankful for small mercies!

Despite being generally lacklustre in the extreme, GOODNIGHT, GOD BLESS' opening scene surprises, as it is something of a minor classic. Picture this: a school playground packed with young children playing; a figure in black walks past the fence (you never see his face), clasping a rosary. The figure pushes open the gate and approaches a female teacher, who bursts into a smile as the priest approaches. The padre suddenly pulls out a knife and stabs her in the stomach. As she falls to the floor, her face a mask of incredulity, he pulls out a handgun and proceeds to shoot seven children dead, as panic breaks out. One girl, Mandy Stuart (Jane Price), hides behind some nearby bins, hoping to remain unseen. However, she is quickly spotted, and the killer approaches and aims the pistol at her head (it is later revealed she only survives because all the bullets have been spent). ... This opening is powerful stuff, indeed, and it's almost unthinkable that such a scene would ever be shot today, in this post-Columbine, post-Dunblane era. In fact, it's so arresting that you'd be forgiven for thinking you're in for something of a lost classic. Unfortunately, GOODNIGHT, GOD BLESS can be called a lot of things, but lost classic is not one of them.

Naturally, the massacre is big news. The police are quick to move into action: the grumpy commissioner (who, curiously, is the spit of Lucio Fulci) barks orders at two of his detectives to get down to the crime scene, John (Jared Morgan), and his cop partner Joe (Frank Rozelaar-Green) - a New York detective who's presence in London is never really explained (but, I guess, was a move to get some transatlantic sales for this pretty hopeless slasher non-extravaganza). After checking out the schoolyard (complete with tasteless shots of little bodies under sheets), the duo go to interview the surviving girl. Surprisingly, despite her mother, Lisa (Emma Sutton), telling the cops to go easy on the kid, Mandy is in high spirits - they find her singing to herself and indulging in that game (throwing a ball up in the air and then catching it) that no kid ever actually does in real life unless some B-movie director tells them to. Despite staring death in the face, Mandy is next to useless when it comes to helping the investigation. However, all is not lost - Joe hits it off with Lisa, and they arrange to go to a violin concerto the next evening!

Obviously not knowing that Mandy has the observational skills of a myopic garden mole, the killer priest takes time off from stalking gormless bit part players to ineptly terrorise Mandy and Lisa when he goes to find them at their home. In one scene, where all the slasher movie tickboxs are routinely ticked, including the one that says that after the dumb victim-to-be has spent five minutes looking out a window into the inky night she'll then lean against said window until the killer smashes his hand through to grab her neck; we also get the old knife through the door gag and plenty of not very convincing hysterics. Of course, these hoary old chestnuts would still enliven all but the most banal movies, however, here any suspense is totally ruined by the actor playing the killer always giving the actresses' playing the mother and daughter plenty of time to get away by literally standing still until they've shuffled past him! In an even more ludicrous move Lisa manages to overcome the killer by throwing a table lamp at him - which could have been no bigger than 10 inches tall - not only does this mighty weapon knock him over, it also seems to knock him out for enough time for them to motion past him without bumping into the nearby furniture.

The killer, whose face we never see, is more successful during his other stalking exploits. This is probably because of the calibre of the potential victims, including one girl with a shock of big hair who looks like she's wearing a orange parachute cultivated into some kind of fashion statement. First we have to suffer a cringe-inducing disco scene where the clothes and hairstyles had me suffering flashbacks to my own sartorial nightmares (the late 80's were a cultural black hole in anyone's book, and I refuse to believe that any of these looks could ever come back!). Anyway, I digress, this walking cheesy wotsit in high heels jettisons the guy she picked up in the club, "'ere, get your beedin' 'ands off me!" she squeals, stropping off alone after she's wolfed down some fish 'n' chips. Eventually she finds herself being stalked by the killer, but get this: trapping her in an alley, he pulls a bloody great butcher's knife on her, and, as it glints in the moonlight, drops his rosary. Rather than spinning round and legging it into the night (with metres and metres of orange satin billowing behind her, no doubt) she bends down and picks up the rosary and hands it to him! Doh. It's no wonder the next day's headlines proclaim her subsequent, and well earned, evisceration.

However, the film's biggest horror comes during a scene of such mind-bending banality I'd rather chew off my own feet than ever see (or listen to) it again. ... Naturally, Joe and Lisa become an item. So, we are 'treated' to a ten minute montage of them, and Mandy, sampling the 'delights' of one of the UK's, er, top tourist destinations: Birdworld. Yes, even if you haven't been there I'm sure you can picture the visual feast conjured up by a theme park based on a skanky old budgie and an incontinent parrot with Tourette's Syndrome. Still, not content with pushing us, the poor viewer, into a coma with scenes of the grinning goons go-karting, flinging themselves around like baboons on a bouncy castle, trying on sombreros and leisurely taking a pleasure cruise, the director is evil enough to accompany this visual equivalent of a horse tranquiliser with a power ballad so utterly atrocious it seriously makes Celine Dion sound like Megadeth.

You may have guessed by now that GOODNIGHT, GOD BLESS isn't the best slasher flick in the world. To be honest, I've seen worse - but not by much. There are a couple of high spots: there's a minorly effective stalking scene in the woods, a few of the actors give their most to parts that don't really warrant it and the director at least deserves some kudos for using everyday British locations like a grimy pub and a fish and chip shop (this flick is determinedly glamour free). However, it's amateur day in most respects: a boom bobs into shot in at least once, and despite employing almost very subgenre cliche in the book almost none of them are used to much effect. Plus, the less said about the film's main score (which sounds like a narcoleptic had passed out face-down on an out-of-tune synth) the better. We never do find out who the killer is, apart from the fact that he dresses like a priest and sounds like a chipmunk with a voice box when he's on the phone, the only clue is the vaguely creepy but utterly nonsensical 'twist' ending, but most viewers will have passed out, or be swinging from the light fitting, long before that point. The rich horror potential of using priests as bad guys has been tapped before (and I must admit, as a lapsed Catholic I get a certain kick out of it): all the gialli I've seen do it better; Pete Walker's THE CONFESSIONAL MURDERS (1975) beats it hands down; PROM NIGHT IV: DELIVER US FROM EVIL is a cut above; God, even the quip happy freak priest in HAPPY HELL NIGHT (both 1992) is more frightening (and I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel here!). There's no absolution for this underperformer, I'm afraid.

Boy, howdy, but it has been a long strange trip to this review. This was one of the movies on my wish list (and the first to have that cheesy "Found!" graphic appended to it), and how it came to be there is but the first stop on our journey.

You see, back in the olden days, when I first began this site, I was (as usual) looking for ways to dodge work, when my friend, Dave (who helped me through my review of KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park with helpful bits of information like "This song rocks!!!") mentioned that Shriek was A Movie I Should Review, and then regaled me with tales of watching it late at night on a local UHF station, and that, in fact, he had taped it from the selfsame station, complete with commercials for the local Smart, Tough Lawyer *. He even had KISS on the same tape. Now, watching these movies with bad local commercials constitute the ideal venue, in my book, so I urged Dave to write a review of this legendary film. He then told me the rest of the sad story, in which his parents taped over his Cinematic Found Art, simply because the tape was plainly labeled, "Crap". Go figure.

So, I began my search for Shriek of the Mutilated. Dave was helpful as always, with questions like, "Have you got Shriek of the Mutilated yet?" and "Loser! Where's Shriek of the Mutilated?" Thus, when I finally got a copy, we settled down to watch, and now, somehow, I still find myself writing this review. Not Dave. Me. So I will no longer be referring to Dave by his given name, but rather, as The Weasel.

To top all this off, this is also the review I was working on when my former computer died in The Great Crash of 99. Yes, my old, wheezing computer, which I had faithfully nudged along all these years, constantly improving it, Frankenstein-like, dragging it fussing and parsing from the mire of 486-dom into the world of the Pentium. Well, it showed me. It took the half-written review with it.

What I do recall about that review (it was over two months ago, after all) is that past all the above complaining, I also complained that I had to watch the damn movie again, because we were having too much fun watching it the first time (which is a good sign). So this makes the third time. Like a lot of movies, the third time wasn't that much fun.

Okay, so there's this Professor Prell (Alan Brock), who is obsessed with the Yeti. He's taking four of his graduate students on a Field Trip to investigate Yeti sightings in what appears to be upstate New York (ah, yes, the fabulous Yetis of Long Island). Friction, or what passes for it, develops almost immediately when Prell invites his pet student Keith (Michael Harris) out to a pre-Field Trip dinner that evening. Keith accepts, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend, Karen (Jennifer Stock) - the two were supposed to go to a party that night.

Now, this is one of those movies where you don't care much about the actual names of the characters, because you supply your own. Karen, in particular, became Whiny Girl, which showed a lot of prescience on our part. The other two students, Lynn (Darcy Brown) and Tom (Jack Neubeck) became Spastic Girl and Richard Lewis - the latter because the actor had a very superficial resemblance to the comedian, and the former because A) she is the Odious Comic Relief of this picture; B) during the stirring Argument Scene discussed in the last paragraph, she and Richard Lewis are on the right side of the frame, discussing a book with far more animation than the two squabbling lovers on the opposite side are exhibiting.

So Keith goes to Prell's specialty restaurant (which, incidentally, seems to have Eric Idle as a waiter - though it is actually a chap named Warren D'oyly-Rhind, which has to be the second best actor name I've encountered, right after Zandor Vorkov) ...oh, hell, where was I? Oh, yes, Prell tells Keith how much potential he thinks the lad has, and introduces him to an exotic dish called gin sung, which the chef will only make for special clients..... can anyone else see where this is going?

Keith isn't missing much at the party, except the hit proto-electronica tune Popcorn. Besides, the hostess has invited Spencer (Tom Grail) and his spouse (Luci Brandt). Spencer is currently a groundskeeper, a former student who has been an alcoholic wreck since going on Prell's last Yeti Field trip. Upon finding that three of his fellow guests are about to embark on a similar journey, Spencer begins to drink heavily and speak loudly, eventually holding everyone spellbound (or something like) as he tells the terrible tale of his Field Trip - from which he and Prell were the only survivors. That damned Yeti!

A word about Spencer's flashback - it is, bizarrely, rendered in a completely white reverse-negative kinda thing, which must be what it looks like when you're about to go snowblind. It's an interesting choice, never used again - my guess is that the original footage was a botched day-for-night sequence (or actual night, who knows) which was found to be too dark, and then post-processed. More about Shriek's interesting day-for-night later. We should really get back to the story now.

Spencer's wife is noticeably miffed at Spence, and when he continues to drink upon their return home, things come to a head (so to speak) when Spencer cuts her throat with an electric carving knife. He receives his comeuppance later, however, when she slooooowly and tortuously crawls down the hall to the bathroom where he is soaking in a hot tub (fully clothed), pushing a toaster in front of her. She manages to push the toaster into the tub and fry Spencer, which shows you the advantages of having a hundred-foot-long extension cord on your toaster. It's an odd little side trip from our major storyline, but certainly an interesting way to pad out the running time.

The next day our four students and Prell pile into his van (which has a suspicious resemblance to the Mystery Machine) and journey to Boot Island, and the residence of Prell's friend, Dr. Waring (Tawm Ellis), who became Doug Henning to us, due to another case of superficial resemblance. Waring has sighted the Yeti on his island, and Prell theorizes that the beast has become marooned there when the winter ice melted. Not that the Yeti could figure out how to cross the same suspension bridge they had used earlier to get there. The flashback in Waring's tale exhibits only the first case of day-for-night scenes which never got darkened, as there is no difference in the light between Waring's nighttime sighting and the "next day" scene.

Anyway, Whiny Girl gets frightened by a man wielding an axe; Doug Henning explains that it's only "his Indian", Laughing Crow (Ivan Agar), a mute, all-purpose manservant. We must pause, once again, to mention that Laughing Crow is one of the hairiest screen Indians we have ever run across, and that is counting the time we watched White Comanche. Perhaps Laughing Crow belongs to F Troop's Hakawi tribe, which was populated by Frank DeKova and other Italian-American character actors. In any case, it is due to Laughing Crow's later antics and outrageous mimings and muggings that he was awarded his new Indian name, Drooling Idiot. (Dave - er, The Weasel's - helpful comment during this seminal scene: "Ah! This guy! This guy!")

After a festive dinner of what Keith identifies as gin sung (but Doug Henning identifies as an Indian dish - have we figured out where this plot point goes yet?), and Richard Lewis sings a song about the Yeti that caused me to leap to my feet and shout, "He must die! This movie owes me that!" Everybody settles in for a boring night's sleep, and Spastic Girl does not disappoint, as she sleeps while still wearing her early 70's enormous eyeglasses. As a lifelong eyeglass wearer myself, I can only marvel at this character trait.

The next day, our intrepid five trek through the woods of Boot Island. Richard Lewis separates himself from the group to poach some game, so they have something to eat besides that awful gin sung. While hunting, he hears the dreadful heartbeat of the Yeti (oh yes, I forgot to mention - one of the ways you can tell the Yeti is around: you can hear their heartbeat)! Oh, never mind - it was just a loose board in a deserted house. The next time we hear it though, it's not the board - the Yeti jumps on Richard Lewis and kills him (thank you, movie! Thank you!)

Now must we pause again to consider the Yeti... it is, after all, the movie's monster. At this point, the glimpses of the beast are quite fleeting (they resisted all my efforts to grab a good frame). This is, of course, all to the better, as the glimpses should have been even more fleeting. What we do see appears to have been cannibalized from fluffy bathroom mats and resembles nothing so much as the title character in Disney's The Shaggy Dog. Add to that the fact that the soundtrack is overpowered by the Yeti's "growling", which seems to be the nonsense words "Iggly Ooogly Argh!" repeated over and over, and you have one of your better Bad Movie Monsters.

When light returns the next morning, Prell, Whiny Girl and Keith go looking for the missing Richard Lewis. Whiny Girl finds only his rifle... and his severed leg! Eeek! Spastic Girl, meantime, has wandered into the Greenhouse, and spotted something there so horrible, it sends her screaming out into the woods... and into the arms of the Yeti! Iggly Ooogly Argh!

Their numbers rapidly decreasing, and the phone out of order (oh, what a surprise), Prell decides to use Richard Lewis' leg as bait in a trap. For his trouble, Prell gets coldcocked by the Yeti. Cripes, what else can they use for bait in a (hopefully) better trap?.....Oh, yeah..... Spastic Girl's body! Whiny Girl goes to the greenhouse to hide Spastic Girl's body, but finds instead... Richard Lewis' body! She faints, and comes to in bed, where Prell assures her it was all a dream.

That night, they tie Spastic Girl's body to a tree and await the Yeti. It comes, but makes a grab for Whiny Girl instead. Keith pursues the Yeti into the night, following the sound of its heartbeat, which he tracks to.... a speaker nailed to a tree. Back at the house, Drooling Idiot is listening to the heartbeat tape, but lets it run too long, and, for some reason, calliope music starts to play. Mystified, Keith stands staring at the speaker (probably waiting for the next groovy tune), until somebody knocks him out with a branch.

Well, as we've suspected all along, Prell and company are cannibals, and the whole Yeti thing is just their little deer blind for getting fresh meat. Keith steals the van and tries to go for help, while Whiny Girl is being pursued around the house by the Yeti (Doug Henning in disguise). She finally locks herself in a bathroom with a window that's painted shut, and she finds Drooling Idiot hiding on a cabinet with a knife. Somewhat understandably, she drops dead of fright. This, you see, is what Prell and Doug Henning were building up to - as part of a holy observance of their devil cult, they need a victim who died without wounds.

Keith, meantime, has flagged down the local sheriff and brought him to the cannibal confab, only to discover that the cop's a cannibal, too. So is Keith, for that matter - come on, we knew what gin sung was really made of, didn't we? Prell has been grooming Keith for membership in their exclusive little club. Whiny Girl's body is wheeled in, and Drooling Idiot, breaking his silence, brandishes an electric carving knife and utters the closest thing to a famous line Shriek of the Mutilated possesses: "Mr. Henshaw - white meat ... or dark?" The end.

Part of a double feature along with Invasion of the Blood Farmers, Shriek tries to deliver what we wanted from our drive-in fare: a mildly diverting story (which would not rendered confusing by trips to the snackbar, or necking), and some gore. No skin is evident, and unfortunately the long out-of-print Lightning Video release (the only video release thus far) appears to be the edited TV version; for a movie known as a gore film, there is very little on display. The money shot of Richard Lewis' severed leg is incredibly brief. The fact that we followed up our viewing of Shriek with the vastly more gruesome Wesley Snipes vehicle Blade didn't help the former movie's cause.

The acting ranges from adequate to hideously amateurish; Keith and Whiny Girl, in particular, show acting chops more at home in a community theater than the big screen. There are very few actors here with more than this film on their resumé; the Richard Lewis and Doug Henning impersonators were both in Blood Farmers. Significantly, the person with the most credits in his filmography is the service station attendant in the mandatory "You ain't goin' up there, are ya?" scene. Psychotronic claims that Tawm Ellis (that's Doug Henning, for those of you keeping score) was in Cat Women of the Moon, but the Internet Movie Database doesn't confirm that; however, they have been wrong before.

A major problem with Shriek is, of course, budget - the story, though stupid, is at least different. It has an unfortunate tendency to sit and tell us about things- and only Spencer's white-out flashback and Waring's nighttime sighting get the benefit of actual visual support. The tale of how Laughing Crow was held prisoner in the Yeti's lair for days and Prell's encounter with the beastie are bolstered only by theatrics on the part of the storytellers, which is a pretty barren patch of land, frankly. The effect is like watching Screams of a Winter Night without the dramatizations. In other words, a slow, painful death. An absolutely cavalier attitude as to what time of day events transpire doesn't help matters much, either.

Still, it's far from being the worst movie you'll see - or even the worst movie on this site. Director Michael Findlay, along with his wife, Roberta, had been known primarily for adult films - films like The Curse of Her Flesh or my favorite, Satan's Bed, which features a very young Yoko Ono. They also put together the amazing film Snuff, which rates as one of the better hoaxes perpetrated on a gullible media and moviegoing public. Mr. Findlay, unfortunately, died in 1977 in a helicopter crash, so we'll never know what else he might have turned out. As it is, most people who return to the land of Shriek of the Mutilated do so with a lightly surprised, "You know... that wasn't as bad as I remembered."