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VHS MOVIE REVIEW : BEVERLY HILLS BODYSNATCHERS (1989)
Hey we all have to start somewhere. This is director Jonathan Mostow's first full-length film (listed here simply as "Jon Mostow"). As we all know, he would later go on to direct the excellent TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES (2003), one of the only major motion pictures of that year with a really downbeat ending. Unfortunately, Mostow falters on his first film, a comedy retelling of RE-ANIMATOR, mixed with some Mafia hijinx. Mortuary owner Lou (Vic Tayback of BLOOD AND LACE - 1970) and scientist Doc (Frank Gorshin) borrow money from the mob to fund Gorshin's research in reanimating dead bodies. Mob underling Vic (Art Metrano) sends his nephews Freddie (Rodney Eastman) and Vincent (Warren Selko) to work at the mortuary when Lou is late paying back the money. Vic has plans of becoming boss and has Don Carlo (Seth Jaffe) knocked-off while playing a round of golf. When Don Carlo is sent to the mortuary, he is injected with Doc's serum and becomes a mindless killing machine, offing anyone who gets in his way. Vic is unaware of this and makes plans with Don Ho (Keone Young) to join forces and become one big crime family. Don Ho will only do this if he can see Don Carlo's body at his funeral. More "hilarity" ensues when Freddie, Vincent, Lou and Doc try to bring back an escaped reanimated Don Carlo back to his funeral in time for Don Ho to see the body. Everything works out in the end as Doc perfects his formula and is able to bring back Don Carlo to a regular human state, much to the annoyance of Vic. A tacked-on "surprise" ending promises a sequel which, thankfully, never materialized. Mostow tries hard here with a cast of pros but the juvenile screenplay by P.K. Simonds Jr. give most of the players nothing to do except scream at each other and look confused. There are whiffs of laughter to be had, but nothing that hasn't been done before and much better. A near total lack of blood and gore also don't help much either. There is some nudity, some mindless zombies walking around and a display on how to properly embalm a body (done much better in HBO's SIX FEET UNDER), but unless you have nothing better to do for 85 minutes (say, like giving your cat a bath or tweezing your pubic hairs), I would recommend that you keep your distance and watch Mostow's other great film BREAKDOWN (1997) instead. Also starring Brooke Bundy, Allison Barron and Steven Field. A Shapiro Glickenhaus Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated R. { text from critcononline.com }
VHS MOVIE REVIEW : BEWARE: CHILDREN AT PLAY (1989)
Although this low-budget regional film (lensed in Long Island, NY and northern New Jersey) boasts poor acting and a nonsense story, it does contain some good graphic bloodletting and a finale that goes way beyond the borders of good taste for a U.S.-made production. A father and son are on a camping trip when Dad gets his leg caught in a bear trap. Unable to free himself (and mistakenly thinking that help is on the way), the father tells his young son the story of Beowulf’s Grendel (don’t ask!) while maggots eat away at his wounded leg. Dad dies and the son goes bonkers, ripping out Dad’s heart and eating it. Flash forward 10 years to a nearby town where 13 children have come up missing. The local police are unable to solve the disappearances (it’s a miracle that they can find their own station), so they call in a writer of paranormal stories to help them find out what is going on. More children disappear (including the writer’s daughter), adults begin showing up dead and devoured and the townspeople start showing signs of developing a mob mentality. It seems the children have become cannibals and their leader is the boy (now a young adult) who was left in the woods 10 years earlier. In the finale, the townspeople locate the kids’ hideout in the forest and slaughter all of them (except for one), killing the writer in the process. It is this finale that makes the film really disturbing. Children are shown getting shot in the back, having their heads blown off, having axes planted in their bodies and pitchforks shoved through their necks, all in loving close-up. Director Mik Cribben (who also appears as the religious farmer who leads the adult revolt) spares no gore in other scenes as we view a man cut in half, a nasty throat slashing, various cannibalistic atrocities and a rape committed on the writer’s wife by the demented mountain boy. The effects range from amateurish to quite good. If you like gore, this is the film for you. If you want something more, then pass this one by. Jim Muro (STREET TRASH) handled the steadicam work. Starring Michael Robertson, Rich Hamilton, Robin Lilly and Lori Tirgrath. This film (originally known as FRIENDS OF THE GOBLINS) sat on the shelf for over 5 years before Troma Films picked it up for distribution. It would make a good double bill with Max Kalmanowicz’s THE CHILDREN (1980) if you are psycho enough to watch another bunch of killer kids get slaughtered. BEWARE: CHILDREN AT PLAY is Unrated for obvious reasons. { text from critcononline.com }
VHS MOVIE REVIEW : BIOHAZARD (1984)
This extremely low-budget film is director Fred Olen Ray's fourth (made after SCALPS - 1983) and is one of the first non-theatrical American films to rip-off elements of ALIEN (although the Italians started copying it almost immediately after it opened, with films like ALIEN CONTAMINATION - 1980). Angelique Pettyjohn stars as Lisa, a psychic trained by the military to grab objects from another dimension and bring them back to ours. When Lisa accidentally grabs a creature (portrayed by Ray's son Christopher Ray) from another dimension, General Randolph (Aldo Ray) takes it into Army custody where it breaks loose, ripping the face off of a soldier. Mitchell Carter (William Fair) and Lisa track the monster through the desert, as it begins killing citizens and dropping little face-hugging creatures along the way. The rest of the film is just a series of bloody monster attacks as throats are torn open, faces are ripped apart or hugged and stomachs are used for incubation. There's also a truly bizarre ending that's better seen than described. This is nothing more than one of those countless little B movies that Fred Olen Ray made in the 80's, although I like his earlier films more than his later ones because he seemed to care more about the plots and added some directorial flair. It seems that on his newer films, he worries more about how to insert the cribbed footage of A-list films he has licensed into his productions. His newer films seem colder and don't have that absurd sense of humor (which this film displays with a small bit with the creature and a poster of E.T.) his earlier films did. I get the sense he's doing it strictly now for the money as he seems to have lost his fanboy mentality, which shone so brightly even in his lousy early films (like THE ALIEN DEAD - 1979). Ray was also one of the few directors to put washed-up and old-time actors in his cast, giving Aldo Ray and Carroll Borland (MARK OF THE VAMPIRE - 1935) roles in this one. Although the monster suit is shoddy (not to mention comically small), Ray throws in a lot of bloody mayhem, some of it pretty well done. Angelique Pettyjohn (MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND - 1969) get a chance to show off her giant mud flaps and there's other female nudity on view also. At 76 minutes, this film moves at a breezy clip and is not boring at all, even if some of the acting leaves a lot to be desired. When viewed today, BIOHAZARD may seem derivative of countless ALIEN clones of the 80's. Just remember that this was one of the first straight-to-video films to jump on the bandwagon. All the others followed this one. Assistant director Donald G. Jackson (THE DEMON LOVER - 1977) and Ray portray the most inept EMTs I have ever seen. Pray your heart doesn't stop when they're around. Stay tuned during the end credits for an amusing blooper reel which contains more Pettyjohn nudity. Unavailable since it's original 1984 VHS release from Continental Video, Ray released this on DVD through his outfit, Retromedia Entertainment, in 2003. Also starring Frank McDonald, David Pearson, George Randall and Loren Crabtree. Unrated. { text from critcononline.com }
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