Interested in serial killers? Check out our sister site SERIALKILLERCALENDAR.COM

VHS WASTELAND AD SPACE

VHS WASTELAND AD SPACE

VHS WASTELAND AD SPACE

VHS WASTELAND AD SPACE

VHS WASTELAND AD SPACE

 

 
 


VHS ARTICLES AND MOVIE REVIEWS
2017 FEBRUARY VHS SCANS
2017 JANUARY VHS SCANS
2016 DECEMBER VHS SCANS
2016 NOVEMBER VHS SCANS
2016 OCTOBER VHS SCANS
2016 SEPTEMBER VHS SCANS
2016 AUGUST VHS SCANS
2016 JULY VHS SCANS
2016 JUNE VHS SCANS
2016 MAY VHS SCANS
2016 APRIL VHS SCANS
2016 MARCH VHS SCANS
2016 FEBRUARY VHS SCANS
2016 JANUARY VHS SCANS
2015 DECEMBER VHS SCANS
2015 NOVEMBER VHS SCANS
2015 OCTOBER VHS SCANS
2015 SEPTEMBER VHS SCANS
2015 AUGUST VHS SCANS
2015 JULY VHS SCANS


TURN-VHS-COVERS-IN-TO-DVD-COVERS
TURN-VHS-COVERS-IN-TO-DVD-COVERS
MARCH 2016 POSTS
APRIL 2016 POSTS
MAY 2016 POSTS
SEARCH BY NAME
 
JANUARY 2012 POSTS
xx
FEB 2012 POSTS
MARCH 2012 POSTS
APRIL 2012 POSTS
MAY 2012 POSTS
JUNE 2012 POSTS
JULY 2012 POSTS
AUGUST 2012 POSTS
JANUARY 2011 POSTS
xx
FEB 2011 POSTS
MARCH 2011 POSTS
APRIL 2011 POSTS
MAY 2011 POSTS
JUNE 2011 POSTS
JULY 2011 POSTS
AUGUST 2011 POSTS
SEPT 2011 POSTS
 
OCTOBER 2011 POSTS
NOV 2011 POSTS
DEC 2011 POSTS
VHS ARTICLES AND MOVIE REVIEWS
SHARE THIS ON FACEBOOK Share on Facebook
TWEET ABOUT THIS SITE Click to Tweet This
EMAIL THIS TO A FRIEND
SHARE THIS ON MYSPACE Share on Myspace
DIGG THIS WEBSITE Digg This Website

SHARE THIS ON STUMBLEUPON


SUBMIT TO REDDIT

VHS ARTICLES AND MOVIE REVIEWS


 

 

VHS WASTELAND  

HELLO AND WELCOME TO VHS WASTELAND, YOUR HOME FOR HIGH RESOLUTION SCANS OF RARE, STRANGE, AND FORGOTTEN VHS COVERS. EACH OF THESE BIZARRE GEMS IS SCANNED AT 200 DPI. SIMPLY CLICK ON THE THUMBNAIL OF ANY VHS COVER TO DOWNLOAD THE FULL HIGH RES FORMAT. WE WILL BE ADDING A NEW COVER DAILY, SO BOOKMARK THIS SITE AND CHECK BACK OFTEN. WE'D ALSO LOVE SUBMISSIONS FROM YOU. IF YOU HAVE A VHS THAT IS WEIRD OR RARE, JUST EMAIL US AT MADHATTERDESIGN@GMAIL.COM. REMEMBER TO SCAN THE FRONT, BACK AND SIDES OF THE VHS AT 300 DPI. WE WON'T ACCEPT LOW RESOLUTION FILES. WHILE YOU'RE HERE, GRABBING OUR AWESOME FREE VHS COVERS, FEEL FREE TO CLICK THE "DONATE" BUTTON ON THE LEFT. IF ENOUGH PEOPLE SEND US SOME CASH, WE MIGHT BE TEMPTED TO KEEP BRINGING YOU THE COOLEST, HIGH RES VHS COVERS ON THE NET. BUT IF YOU GREEDY, COVER GRABBING... I MEAN... YOU WONDERFUL VISITORS TO OUR SITE, DON'T COUGH UP A DONATION, MAYBE WE'LL JUST FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH OUR TIME. LIKE GO MAKE NACHOS. MMMMM... NACHOS. SO HELP A BROTHA OUT AND DONATE A LITTLE DOUGH TO THE CAUSE.

LASTLY, WHY NOT VISIT OUR PARENT SITE (SERIALKILLERCALENDAR.COM). IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH VHS COVERS BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT BE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED BY WHAT YOU FIND. OR NOT. I DON'T KNOW YOU. MAYBE YOUR NOT SURPRISED BY ANYTHING. MAYBE YOUR THE KIND OF GUY THAT SEES A COW FALL OUT OF THE SKY AND EXPLODE LIKE A PIÑATA AND YOUR ALL LIKE "HUH, THAT WAS WEIRD." MAN. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ANYWAY? JEEZ. SOME PEOPLE.

BUT NO. SERIOUSLY. GO BUY SOME CRAZY AWESOME TRUE CRIME MERCHANDISE AT SERIALKILLERCALENDAR.COM. INCLUDING THE SERIAL KILLER MAGAZINE, THE SERIAL KILLER TRADING CARDS AND MUCH MUCH MORE! DO IT. DO IT NOW. CLICK THE LINK.


SERIAL-KILLER-CALENDAR-this-day-in-serial-killer-history  
serial killer merchandise serial killer merchandise serial killer merchandise serial killer merchandise
serial killer merchandise

SERIAL KILLER CALENDAR: THIS DAY IN SERIAL KILLER HISTORY BOOK
PRICE : $19.95

This perfect bound Serial Killer Calendar book includes detailed facts and trivia about serial killers for every day of the year. It also includes the best true crime artwork from around the world. Want to know what happened today in serial killer history? Its all in this one massive collection of true crime information. This is the perfect gift for any fan of history, murderabelia or the macabre.



 
serial killer merchandise
serial killer merchandise
 


Thank you to wildeyereleasing.com for sending us a big box of vhs tapes! As an extra thank you to them, we will be putting their banner at the top of the site for the rest of the month. Any person or company that mails us a box of VHS tapes, will have their banner moved to the top of our links page and get their banner put on the top of the homepage for several weeks. Plus MORE! Click here!
VHS WASTELAND LINKS   VHS WASTELAND LINKS
SUBMIT AN ARTICLE FOR VHS WASTELAND MAGAZINE

TONS OF CUSTOM VHS COVERS FROM VHS WASTELAND
CLICK HERE TO VIEW MORE

GOOD GUYS CUSTOM VHS COVER CHUCKY CHILDS PLAY, ACTION VHS COVER, HORROR VHS COVER, BLAXPLOITATION VHS COVER, HORROR VHS COVER, ACTION EXPLOITATION VHS COVER, SCI-FI VHS COVER, MUSIC VHS COVER, SEX COMEDY VHS COVER, DRAMA VHS COVER, SEXPLOITATION VHS COVER, BIG BOX VHS COVER, CLAMSHELL VHS COVER, VHS COVER, VHS COVERS, DVD COVER, DVD COVERS


CUSTOM DESIGNED VIDEO GAME COVERS FROM VHS WASTELAND
CLICK HERE TO VIEW MORE

BREAKING BAD CUSTOM NES NINTENDO VIDEO GAME GAME CARTRIDGE CUSTOM, ACTION VHS COVER, HORROR VHS COVER, BLAXPLOITATION VHS COVER, HORROR VHS COVER, ACTION EXPLOITATION VHS COVER, SCI-FI VHS COVER, MUSIC VHS COVER, SEX COMEDY VHS COVER, DRAMA VHS COVER, SEXPLOITATION VHS COVER, BIG BOX VHS COVER, CLAMSHELL VHS COVER, VHS COVER, VHS COVERS, DVD COVER, DVD COVERS


CUSTOM DESIGNED VHS COVER - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
AQUAMAN CUSTOM VHS COVER - CREATED BY VHS WASTELAND

AQUAMAN FREE WILLY CUSTOM VHS COVER CUSTOM VHS COVER, MODERN VHS COVER, CUSTOM VHS COVER, VHS COVER, VHS COVERS


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
THE RED NIGHTS OF THE GESTAPO

THE RED NIGHTS OF THE GESTAPO VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
THE MEATEATER - SUBMITTED BY WILLIAM TURNER

CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT THEIR AMAZING EBAY STORE OF STRANGE AND WONDERFUL THINGS!

THE MEATEATER SHOT ON SHITEO VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
THE DAY TIME ENDED - SUBMITTED BY VESTRON DAN

THE DAY TIME ENDED SUNRISE TAPES VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
NIGHT SCHOOL - SUBMITTED BY ZACH CARTER

NIGHT SCHOOL VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS - SUBMITTED BY ELWOOD & JEN COLLIER

CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT THEIR AMAZING EBAY STORE OF STRANGE AND WONDERFUL THINGS!

CHILDREN SHOULDNT PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS ZOMBIES VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
TIP TOP WITH SUZY PRUDDEN - SUBMITTED BY ADAM BECVAR

CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT HIS AMAZING EBAY STORE OF STRANGE AND WONDERFUL THINGS!

TIP TOP WITH SUZY PRUDDEN WARNER BROTHERS VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
CARIBE - SUBMITTED BY VESTRON DAN

CARIBE VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
THREE STOOGES FILM FESTIVAL - SUBMITTED BY WILDEYERELEASING.COM

THREE STOOGES FILM FESTIVAL VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
AVALANCHE : THE WHITE DEATH - SUBMITTED BY ARCTICINFIDEL

AVALANCHE : THE WHITE DEATH VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
DEADLINE

DEADLINE VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
CABAGE PATCH KIDS : THE NEW KID

CABAGE PATCH KIDS : THE NEW KID VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
CANDY CLAUS

CANDY CLAUS VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
THE JUNGLE BOOK : MOWGLI COMES TO THE JUNGLE

THE JUNGLE BOOK : MOWGLI COMES TO THE JUNGLE VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
TC 2000 - SUBMITTED BY RYAN GELATIN

CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT HIS AMAZING EBAY STORE OF STRANGE AND WONDERFUL THINGS!

TC 2000 VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
EL REY DE LA QUEBRADITO CHOLO ASESINO - SUBMITTED BY RYAN GELATIN

CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT HIS AMAZING EBAY STORE OF STRANGE AND WONDERFUL THINGS!

EL REY DE LA QUEBRADITO CHOLO ASESINO VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
FATHER OF THE BRIDE (O PAI DA NOIVA)

FATHER OF THE BRIDE (O PAI DA NOIVA) VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
MC BAIN

MC BAIN VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
BABY BLOOD

BABY BLOOD VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
NIGHTMARE IN WAX - SUBMITTED BY ELWOOD & JEN COLLIER

CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT THEIR AMAZING EBAY STORE OF STRANGE AND WONDERFUL THINGS!

NIGHTMARE IN WAX INTERGLOBAL HOME VIDEO VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
PREPPIES - SUBMITTED BY VESTRON DAN

PREPPIES SEXPLOITATION VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
THIRST

THIRST VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
SWEET REVENGE - SUBMITTED BY ADAM BECVAR

CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT HIS AMAZING EBAY STORE OF STRANGE AND WONDERFUL THINGS!

SWEET REVENGE VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
GUNMEN - SUBMITTED BY VESTRON DAN

GUNMEN VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
SHAKMA

SHAKMA VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
NIGHTWATCH - SUBMITTED BY ARCTICINFIDEL

NIGHTWATCH VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
A MONSTRUOUS CORPSE

A MONSTRUOUS CORPSE VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
TEST TUBE TEENS FROM THE YEAR 2000 - SUBMITTED BY RYAN GELATIN

CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT HIS AMAZING EBAY STORE OF STRANGE AND WONDERFUL THINGS!

TEST TUBE TEENS FROM THE YEAR 2000 VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
ABOUT FACE : TALKING TEEN TO TEEN ABOUT ACNE - SUBMITTED BY WILDEYERELEASING.COM

ABOUT FACE : TALKING TEEN TO TEEN ABOUT ACNE VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
FREAK ORLANDO

FREAK ORLANDO VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
THE PURSUIT OF PLEASURE : THE CIGAR - SUBMITTED BY WILDEYERELEASING.COM

THE PURSUIT OF PLEASURE : THE CIGAR VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
GATOR BAIT 2 : CAJUN JUSTICE - SUBMITTED BY RYAN GELATIN

GATOR BAIT 2 : CAJUN JUSTICE VHS COVER


PICK OF THE WEEK - VHS COVER SCAN - CLICK FOR HIGH RES VERSION
CHAMPAGNE FOR TWO : ROMANCE VIDEO NOVELS - SUBMITTED BY WILDEYERELEASING.COM

CHAMPAGNE FOR TWO ROMANCE VIDEO NOVELS VHS COVER


VHS WASTELAND POSTER OF THE DAY
VHS WASTELAND POSTER OF THE DAY

VHS MOVIE REVIEW : RATS : NIGHT OF TERROR
From horrorexpress.com

What a revolting development this is. Here I am, I just got done watching the excellent documentary, AN AMERICAN NIGHTMARE, for the millionth time. For those who never got a chance, it covers the greatest American horror films of the seventies and shows how they were a mirror for the current events of the time. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD reflects Vietnam and the civil rights struggle, SHIVERS reflects the sexual revolution, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE reflects unemployment and the OPEC crisis and so on. Really, a fascinating work.

And then I start plonking down on my keyboard, looking through my notebook at the next review on my agenda (I adhere to this strictly, otherwise I’d never get to half these things). And what do I have to review? RATS: NIGHT OF TERROR, a film that is appropriately half B-movie cheese-fest and half SOCIAL CONSCIOUSNESS FOR DUMMIES.

RATS attempts to place good old fashioned horror in the post-apocalyptic universe from MAD MAX that the Italians were capitalizing on during the early eighties. I actually loved a bunch of these knockoffs from WARRIORS OF THE WASTELAND (a.k.a. THE NEW BARBARIANS) to EXTERMINATORS OF THE YEAR 3000.

It opens 225 years after a nuclear war, so you can be sure there’s a subtext of “no nukes” going on. All the civilized people have gone underground and spent the last couple centuries rebuilding the world in subterranean kingdoms. Yeah, yeah, don’t get excited. If you want a New World Order near the center of the earth, buy a ticket to THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS. You don’t get to see anything that interesting here.

Instead, we are treated to a group of the “savages” that inhabit the world above. Now, to be honest I don’t know how savage these people are, but they sure are stupid. It’s the post-nuke version of a street gang, and if the Bloods and the Crips could see what they are to become, they would call it a day right here and now. A bunch of multi-ethnic young turks ready to take over the world? Sorry. Actually, it’s a bunch of middle-aged white guys and gals dressed in a wide array of fashion don’ts. They can barely form a cohesive thought between the lot of them and it’s a wonder they’ve survived as long as they have.

Whoops, I said they were all white guys but that is inaccurate. There are women, but they are all slutty or weak in one way or another. There is also one black member of the cast. She’s one of the women and in the true fashion of only the most forward-thinking filmmakers, they’ve named her Chocolate. You read that right, as late as the last two decades of the twentieth century, we have a black woman named Chocolate without a trace of shame, satire or irony. In one scene, when the group discovers some provisions, she is doused with flour. She dances around, rubbing the white flour over her face, proudly exclaiming, “Look, I’m whiter than all of you!” My God, BILLY JACK knew this was wrong, and that film was made almost twenty years earlier. It’s the kind of move that makes you just stare at the screen dumbfounded that anyone had the audacity to do this without any reasoning or explanation.

Anyway, the group stumbles upon an abandoned scientific complex. There, they find the provisions they need. Not just flour but food and a decent irrigation system as well. That’s right, fresh food and a working irrigation system. As the group looks through the place, tinkering with everything in sight, the whole scenario is a dead ringer for the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers video, “You Got Lucky.” In fact, much of the costumes, art direction and overall presentation are identical. I’m surprised more haven’t noted the resemblance.

Unfortunately, the place is not quite abandoned, the place is littered with a few mutilated corpses, usually around the scientific equipment. This causes one of the group to note, “Computers and corpses are a bad combination.” If you ask me, anything and corpses is a bad combination but what do I know?

The place is also occupied by a growing number of rats. Big suckers too. It isn’t long before the rats start attacking the group en mass and dwindling their numbers. The rats take the form of everything from non-animatronic stuffed furballs to painted guinea pigs to the real thing. These things are just poured on people and every little nip, scratch and bite makes the people scream in agony and collapse to the ground, flailing and crying. I doubt there’s anything that makes the rats that dangerous aside from their numbers and organization. Still, they collapse in a frenzy when even a couple of them start nipping. So these tough gang members have to look like they are being beaten down by a bunch of rodents. THE WARRIORS they ‘aint. When one of the group says all hope is lost, Chocolate tells him, “You mustn’t talk that way. Those are such negative thoughts.”

RATS is quite simply one of the dumbest films to be released by the Italian horror market. It’s a film that takes its cues from the schlock classic THE KILLER SHREWS and then eliminates all trace of menace. The film is written by hack Bruno Mattei, who made his living pretty much saying, “Yes, sir” and doing whatever the producers told him to. I would say he’s the Roger Corman of Italian cinema, except he never had nearly as much vision or independence.

So why do I watch his movies? I don’t know, masochism maybe. And he’s done some films that are fun. Mattei films are always bad and they are rarely fun enough to warrant repeat viewings. RATS is an exception, though not so much as his hilarious classic HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD. Mattei himself is a house painter who was elevated to director status and as recently as a couple years ago, ridiculed people who said they enjoyed his movies. In short, some of his movies are fun in an incompetent way, but he is a man unworthy of anyone’s respect – another reason I choose to respect the work and rarely dwell on the people who make them.

The film is ridiculous from beginning to end. Occasionally, a well-shot scene will come through and I would be stunned by the level of… well, basic motor skills actually. One thing about films like this, your standards go right in the shitter.

There are a couple juicy bits too. One scene involves rats eating one of the dead from the inside out. Yikes! It reminded me of an opening bit in Lloyd Kauffman’s book, MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN MOVIE. Kauffman was cleaning out the Troma cellar when he saw a dead rat, very fat. “Lucky fucker,” he said, and kicked it aside. The thing shook and hundreds of spiders burst out of it. Kauffman screamed, “like a prison bitch.” Hey, I would have screamed and it’s scarier than anything in RATS.

But nothing will prepare you for the ending. I will not spoil it except to say, I wondered to myself, “What is the stupidest, most ridiculous and far-fetched ending they could conceive?” It formed in my brain and I quickly dismissed it. I shook my head, assuring myself that nobody would be that shameless. And there, it actually happens! Amazingly, they really are that shameless. I forget these are the people who have a character named Chocolate.

RATS is good if you’ve had a few drinks, if you want to chuckle for a half hour and you have absolutely no standards. There really isn’t anything else to recommend it. It’s a piece of trash, and not always in a good way. They have taken the horror of films like DEADLY EYES and WILLARD (both of which never achieved the scares of James Herbert’s novel, THE RATS), they combined the atmosphere of MAD MAX and assembled some extras from THE WARRIORS. And yet, with all of this, the film is barely amusing enough, even unintentionally, to be entertaining. Rats, indeed.

VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND
VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND
VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND
VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND

VHS WASTELAND POSTER OF THE DAY
VHS WASTELAND POSTER OF THE DAY

VHS MOVIE REVIEW : TEST TUBE TEENS FROM THE YEAR 2000

To reiterate: I appreciate the fact that Band’s Torchlight Entertainment label concentrated on genre-specific erotic comedy rather than making erotic horror, erotic thrillers, etc., all of which were the rage through the mid-’90s. Not only do I have a problem with equating sex with violence, paranoia, etc., but I really look askance at the filmmaking abilities of anyone who has to “spice up” something supposedly erotic with another whole flavor of exploitation. I mean, jeez, if you need to add violence to make sex exciting…

However, I just have to end my praises of Torchlight from this far out on the periphery of commentary, because once I get closer to the subject at hand and start discussing the movie itself, I find that the movie, though a cheap sex-comedy, fails on two of those three descriptors: Not too sexy, not too funny. (But still cheap, though — one out of three?)

I say “not too sexy,” despite the fact that the version I saw contained copious amounts of nudity — or at least, more nudity than you’d see if you picked it up at one of the rare rental shops that still has a copy of the VHS release. As I mentioned in my review of Beach Babes From Beyond, these erotic flicks still had to deliver an R-rating according to the terms of their distribution deal with Paramount, so despite a rough cut practically overflowing with skin (boy, that’s not a nice image), the distributed version had all of the raciest bits chopped out. I, however, managed to get my hands on a copy of the pre-distribution screener version (thanks, Torsten!), with all of the naughty bits intact (ew, two not-nice images in as many sentences). And you know what? Still not sexy. Maybe I’m just a tough audience. Or maybe it’s the fact that director Dave de Coteau (here masquerading as “Ellen Cabot”), though a consummate professional in cranking out low-budget exploitation fare, is very decidedly gay, and thus is as guilty of merely “going through the motions” as any member of the cast.

Okay, several hundred words of waffling later, on with the movie:

Despite the title, the future setting is not the year 2000; rather, it’s 2017, a world of cold glass and steel. The titular teenagers (stop giggling, it doesn’t mean what you think it means), all the products of test-tube reproduction (it’s titular, again!), are taking the least productive history class imaginable, as Professor Dorn (Ian Abercrombie) is prohibited from talking about the bad ol’ days, before the Great Corporation of America took over and made everything efficient and hygienic and absolutely asexual.

Well, as asexual as possible, which, because we’re dealing with teenagers, isn’t much. Or three main teens are: Reena (Sara Suzanne Brown), who’s very blonde and, um, titular (what, like I’m not allowed to make cheap jokes?); Naldo (Brian Bremer), the brain who keeps asking the probing questions about why they’re not aloud to learn about history in history class; and Vin (Christopher Wolf), the square-jawed lunk, who spends the entire lecture daydreaming about Reena… Reena ripping off her high-collared uniform… Reena proffering her bosom to him… Reena writhing in ecstasy…

Professor Dorn can tell what impulses have caused Vin’s eyes to glaze over, so he keeps those three after class. But after destroying the security camera, he reveals to them (and us) a huge chunk of exposition: He’s part of the underground rebellion, dedicated to undermining this sexless existence, which was brought about largely by the efforts of one Carmilla Swale, a “frigid bitch” who used her position in the corporation to eradicate all sex in the world. (Okay, my suspension of disbelief can put up with a lot, but how did any for-profit corporation ascend to dominance without appealing to the lowest common denominator? I mean, even “family-friendly” Wal-Mart sells lingerie. Excuse me, “intimates.”)

Before the police come and drag him away, Dorn gives the kids a cardkey and tells them of a vault in the basement of the building that has everything they need to set the world right. Reena has no intention of gettng herself arrested, so that night the boys head down to the murky vault/storeroom and find…

…a girlie magazine! Well, that’s not the only thing lying around on the shelves, but it certainly catches Vin’s eye, and after he memorizes the vital statistics, turn-ons, and turns offs of the Playpen centerfold Samantha Cummings (Tamara Tohill), he launches into another daydream in which he rescues her from the staple in her abdomen, and then they have steamy sex against the steamy photoshoot backdrop. (Sensing a trend here? If your sex comedy has to keep resorting to daydreams to add the requisite sex, then you’ve got some serious story problems.)

Naldo, who is emphatically not mooning over the centerfold, also finds a 1997 newspaper which talks about Carmilla Swale’s rise to Grand Poo-bah of the corporation from humbler beginnings as the headmistress of a girls’ boarding school in the early 1990s. Gee, if only they could go back and change the course of history before Swale ever got into a position of corporate power… If only…

Oh, yeah. There’s also a time machine in the vault. Let’s tinker with causality!

They enlist Reena the next night to stay behind and work the controls while they zap back to 1994. Nobody bothers to think that, if they succeed in changing the past, they will have consigned Reena to nonexistence — and she certainly won’t be “around” to work the controls to bring them back. But that’s okay, once the boys have dived through, Reena’s found by the police and forced to follow through the time machine.

The boys end up in the past a full week earlier than Reena does, though, so Vin and Naldo have to fend for themselves when they end up in the all-girls school in the middle of the night. (Watch for Conrad Brooks’ cameo as a janitor. Or don’t.) They manage to convince student Maggie (Michele Matheson) that they’re not crazy, and she agrees to help them with some of her improbable resources — things like an oddly large private dorm room. Or porno movies playing on her dorm room TV. Or access to wigs, so that the boys can disguise themselves as Swedish exchange students while they try to figure out what to about man-hating Ms. Swale (Morgan Fairchild). And elude the Terminator-like cyborg “truant officer” (Don Dowe) sent back to kill them — and when I say “Terminator-like,” I mean slavishly and intentionally so: black leather and sunglasses, fake Austrian accent… Shucks, he even says, “I’ll be back” just to make sure we get it. (Good heavens, they even stole Brad Fiedel’s musical cues.)

Hijinx, as you might guess, abound. Naldo finds out that Ms. Swale’s attitude stems from having been dumped by a married man, and they enlist the younger version of Professor Dorn, teaching at the school, to help either romance or kill Swale. Along the way, Vin discovers that future centerfold Samantha Cummings is a student at the same school, and uses his uncanny knowledge of her likes and dislikes to get into her bed. (The scene in which it happens is kind of bizarre, Vin being disguised as a girl for most of their friendly conversation — but when he pulls off his wig, she adjusts to the gender switch in about half a second; cue the saxophone music and the soft dissolves.)

There are amusing bits here and there, but at best most of the movie is simply “lighthearted” than actually “funny.” And no one seems to have realized before shooting that all of the sex in what was supposed to be an erotic comedy was completely peripheral to the story. In fact, it looks like de Coteau and crew got so used to that setup, they began to operate that way by default. When Vin and Naldo, in Swedish drag, wander into the girls’ showers, they stare in fascination at the naked bathers, and then immediately, yes, begin daydreaming — about two completely different girls sudsing and rinsing each other under more sensuous lighting. Maybe the intent was to make the sex easy to excise in its entirety so as to sell the movie for broadcast TV distribution. I’m not sure. I do know, though, that if you look at naked teens in the shower and immediately begin thinking about other naked teens in a different shower, you seriously need a reality check.

If you’re looking for a positive, though, at least the humor is better than in Beach Babes From Beyond. And they do manage to keep the world free for venereal disease. That’s gotta be worth something, right?

VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND
VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND
VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND
VHS WASTELAND VHS WASTELAND

VIEW OLDER VHS COVERS

VIEW OLDER VHS COVERS