OCTOBER 10 VHS MOVIE REVIEW : ABRAXAS
Jesse "The Body" Ventura, governor of Minnesota and defender of the universe. What else could you want from a bad movie? Well, first and foremost - cut out the soft jazz music soundtrack. Gads it was annoying, everything to soft music... ...a tender moment between Abraxas and Sonia: soft jazz. Abraxas and Secundus kicking the crap out of each other: soft jazz. Somebody sitting on the toilet, okay that didn't happen but if it had: soft jazz. Well, our favorite wrestler-turned-state leader is a sort of intergalactic cop, protecting everyone and thing from the bad guys. Secundus was his partner, now a serious bad guy, intent on discovering an equation which will grant him limitless power. To this end he impregnates Sonia, lucky for her Abraxas is no heartless killer, she raises the resulting child rather well. Except he doesn't talk, until the end of course. The bad guy escapes prison, intent on wringing the anti-life equation out of Tommy, so the good guy pursues (insert relevant names here) and a climatic battle is imminent! Imminent in the sequel, but imminent none the less. I must recommend this film with reservation, but you have to hear the governor of Minnesota say, "My box has VD."
OCTOBER 10 VHS MOVIE REVIEW : ABRAXAS
I had always been curious about this movie for a few years, because it raised a number of vexing questions for me: Will Jesse Ventura take his shirt off? How long will he leave it off for? Will there be a sex scene? Will the rest of the movie at least provide some amusement? Well, when I saw this movie available on the permanence of DVD for the appropriate price of $1.99 [with another movie on the same DVD, no less-that's 98.5 cents per movie!], I was finally able to satisfy my curiosity.
A tragically mustache-free Ventura assuages the multi-layered role of Abraxas, a "policeman" from some planet that looks like the borrowed backroom of a local cable access studio. These "policemen" go around catching criminals, but-can you BELIEVE it?-one of these "policemen" has gone bonkers and stolen the anti-life equation, which could lead to the destruction of the universe.
This renegade "policeman" is played by Sven-something-something, who turns out to have been the hunky Russian with no lines in Hunt for Red October [and I totally remember him!]. This "policeman" is on Earth to impregnate a woman with his child, who will then possess the anti-life equation, which, as everyone knows, is enough to destroy the universe, as well as fend off schoolyard bullies. In the lame-o move to end all lame-o moves, hunky, bearded Sven impregnates a woman by simply placing his hand on her belly, thus precluding any scenes in which he strides into a biker bar and sizes up a woman's uterus, or picks up white trash hos by the side of the road, or any other kind of prurient fun. No, he just places his hand on her belly. I should warn you now that he never takes his shirt off, either. Good thing this shit only cost $0.98.
The woman [Sonia] grows big and gives birth before you can say "dingleberry," and Abraxas, troubled by a moral conscience that no "policeman" should have, cannot bear to kill her. A few seconds later, the kid is about 10, and the movie turns into a Terminator rip-off, clearly made for less than it costs to biggie-size an extra value meal.
This is the kind of movie in which one of the aliens says: "They're headed to a small planet called. Earth."
They chase. They fight. But then the big moment arrives. Jessie whips the shirt off. Not only does he appear shirtless [and bulging and hairy], but it's in the context of a borderline molestation scenario in which he lays, presumably naked, in bed, asking the little kid: "Do you want to climb up here with me? I'll tell you a story." I thought it was my dirty mind alone having these wicked thoughts, so I was relieved to see a few people on IMDb mention that they got this feeling from the scene as well. How come a naked Jesse Ventura [or some reasonable facsimile] never asked me to climb up and snuggle with him when I was young and impressionable? Because I wasn't an alien baby in possession of the anti-life equation, obviously, but WHY COULDN'T I BE AN ALIEN BABY IN POSSESSION OF THE ANTI-LIFE EQUATION!!??!?! WHY!!!?!?!? I'm fuckin' filing for disability, right fuckin' now!
Anyway, Jesse begins to understand the ways of this thing you humans call "love," by displaying his hairy man-pecs in the vicinity of horny hard-up housewife Sonia, who wants to school him in the ways of Earth passion, if only the talking robot attached to his forearm would shut the fuck up, and her obnoxious moppet would leave them alone. Listen kid, you had your chance with the hunky space-stallion, now it's time to move over and let Mommy play hop on pop.
Anyway, run run, chase chase, until we come to the "climax," in which an abandoned warehouse conveniently appears from out of nowhere in the middle of a field. They chase each other as some really lame 90s metal ballad plays [apparently there are a lot of lame songs, but I was fast-forwarding through most of them] and finally the thing ends. In a heart-stoppingly emotional finale, Jesse get permission to stay on Earth and love Earth women and be the Daddy little whats-his-name always wanted. So you see, it's all a cautionary tale about a deadbeat dad from beyond the stars, who came back years later and expected his son to welcome him, but wasn't able to respond to the kids' emotional needs, thus driving him into the arms of another intergalactic muscle-hunk. Fellas, let this be a lesson.
SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?
It's sort of amusing, but there are a lot better, and a lot more amusing, movies out there. And in some of them Jesse Ventura has a mustache.
OCTOBER 10 VHS MOVIE REVIEW : ABRAXAS
Here we have some schlock sci-fi from 1990 featuring musclemen Jesse Ventura and Sven-Ole Thorsen playing out the classic good guy vs bad guy situation. The movie's story revolves around an alien criminal who ends up on Earth looking to impregnate a human female to the ends of producing offspring. This somehow will enable the bad guy (Sven-Ole Thorsen) the ability of the anti-life equation and to become god like. Well good ole intergalactic police man Abraxas (Jesse Ventura) is sent here to make sure that don't happen. What we see in the process is some dumb action scenes and soft lovey lovey scenes between the innocent mother and Abraxas.
This movie is truly awful, a cheesy, campy affair with dull SFX and no six legged killing machine alien/robots, there is nothing exciting here at all. There is a decent enough cast but they seem to struggle with what is a thin, stupid script. There are times when the stories logic simply does not add up and your left wondering what the hell is going on. They've tried to place some ethical issues in there with regard to the mother and child but it simply does not work. The dialogue in this movie has the power to make your ears bleed, hard. The characterisations are very one dimensional and flat, they've definitely borrowed from many movies, The Terminator influence stands out the strongest.
In the end if I had to try and think of something positive to say about Abraxas, I simply couldn't. There really is nothing to be said, I could only recommend this one if you're very bored and have run out of new movies to watch. Personally I'd rather watch re-runs of Murder She Wrote. Avoid.
OCTOBER 10 VHS MOVIE REVIEW : ABRAXAS
Welcome to the online home of Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe, the greatest movie ever made. I would like to spread the message of this epic movie and personally see to it that it gets the recognition that it deserves. You are always welcome to post whatever you want on this page, but most of the discussions on here should be related to Abraxas. I would now like to give you my mission statement regarding Abraxas. Over the course of the next few millenia, I will try to devote as much time as possible towards informing the public about the greatness of this movie. I am generally an extremely busy person, so this will obviously take some time. I will post blogs with theories regarding the movie and encourage discussions. I invite everyone to help out and give your ideas regarding Abraxas and the folklore that goes along with the movie. Feel free to e-mail me with suggestions, pictures, theories, or questions or just post them on here. My ultimate goal is to put together all of the theories that we come up with regarding Abraxas and start the Church of Abraxas. I will be the author of The Book of Abraxas. It is clear to me that this movie was conceived by a power that is greater than mankind. Therefore, we must learn everything we can, and hopefully someday figure out the anti-life equation. There is no answer other than to create a religion based on Abraxas mythology. All non-believers will be discorporated!!!!!! My review of this movie should at least give everyone an overview and a general understanding of this film. So read my review, go buy the movie, at let’s set the wheels in motion. We’re starting a motherfucking revolution man. This shit is really happening. We’re going to have heads on every street corner man. Doors of perception will be blown wide fucking open, just wait.
Abraxas: Guardian of the universe is a brilliantly scripted masterpiece acted out by Jesse the Body Ventura and Sven-Ole-Thorsen with a special cameo from James Belushi. It is a true triumph of the human spirit. In all honesty, I don’t think that I’ve ever seen a movie with such great acting, and it’s jam-packed with action. The whole point of this movie is for Abraxas to prevent his ex-partner Secundus (Ole-Thorsen) from obtaining the anti-life equation, which will destroy all creation. Abraxas could take the easy road and kill the child (Tommy, also known as the Colmater) who possesses the equation, but instead decides to do battle with Secundus one on one. The main thing that the movie fails to include is what the anti-life equation really is. That is why I’m still holding out hope that there will be a sequel. All I know is that although the anti-life equation was not revealed, the “how to create an epic movie” equation is spelled out perfectly: S-V-E-N. Ole-Thorsen’s godlike performance propels this movie onto a whole new level once thought unattainable by the human race. You will be absolutely blown away by this enchanting Dutch actor.
One cannot forget Ventura’s admirable performance as well. This movie really gave him a chance to show off his amazing acting range. His performance included classic lines such as: “My Box has VD, Vibration Detection”; “Run Tommy, RUUUUUNNNNN!”; “Stop! I require ground transportation!”; and of course “Quick Tommy! Take off your pants and touch your toes, I need to search your rectal cavity for the anti-life equation.” Boy it must have been really convenient for the director, knowing that Ventura and Thorsen played alien robots in the movie. It takes a special breed of actor to pull that off. Honestly, I would put the performances of Sven-Ole Thorsen and Jesse Ventura on the same platform as say Deniro and Walken in “Deer Hunter”, or maybe more like Bridget the midget and Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan in 18″ vs. 18″.
As for special effects, I really thought it was cool how every time Secundus killed somebody, they would just disappear. There was no need for blood or a decapitated body, Sven using his answer box (FYI: My answer box has VD) to make people disappear is all I need to be happy with this movie. Also of note is the all-purpose 80s B-Movie music found in the background throughout the movie. It sounded more like porno music than anything else. Having porno music playing in the background while these two hulking Adonises battled it out heightened the atmosphere of intense masculinity.
Yet another great feature of this movie is the fact that it is supposed to be about an “intergalactic cop” and aliens yet every character in the movie looks just like an earthling and there are no scenes that take place in space. Clearly the producers felt that they had strong enough acting that they didn’t need to expend any money on fancy scenery. Besides, I would have been totally confused if there were actual aliens or if a scene took place in space. They kept it simple and placed more of an emphasis on character development.
On a final note, I would like to add that I really appreciate the fact that Jim Belushi took time out of his busy schedule to make a special appearance as the school Principal. He obviously sacrificed quite a bit for this movie. I heard a rumor that he was penciled in to play “Chavez” in the Movie Young Guns 2 but lost the role to Lou Diamond Phillips because he didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to work on Abraxas. This was clearly Belushi’s heyday, what with his roles in highly regarded films such as Curly Sue and Mr. Destiny. Appearing in Abraxas during that time in addition to the aforementioned masterpieces must have made Belushi feel as though he was on a pussy train headed straight for the moon. So in summation, order this movie, call all of your friends, get some beers, snort an ungodly amount of special K, and watch ABRAXAS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!
OCTOBER 10 VHS MOVIE REVIEW : ABRAXAS
Not to be confused with “Gamera: Guardian of the Universe” or “He-man and the Masters of the Universe.”
“Any movie starring Jesse Ventura has to be good.” I said to my brother as I pulled this movie from the $1 DVD rack at my local Family Dollar.
“Who is Jesse Ventura?” He asked.
“What do you mean, ‘Who is Jesse Ventura!?!” I exclaimed, probably a little louder than I should have, as a little old lady looked up from her basket and gave me a look like I had just farted in church or something.
“What do you mean, ‘Who is Jesse Ventura?” I said again, in a more reasonable tone.
“You know, the wrestler…” I said.
“Uh, you know, he was governor of Minnesota for a while…”
“The guy in The Predator…”
“I thought that was Arnold Schwartzenegger.” He said.
“No!!! Not Arnold!!! The crazy guy with the guns…” and once again, nothing…
“The guy who said, I ain’t got time to bleed.”
“Oh yeah, him…I liked that movie.” And thus, with a considerable headache, my adventure began.
I returned home, got a drink, cracked open a can of sardines (My first mistake), a can of oysters (My second mistake) and popped Abraxas into my DVD player (My third, and most egregious mistake). The movie starts with a confusing scene where Abraxas (Jesse Ventura) asks us, “Have you ever been vaulted?” (Umm, no. No, I can’t say that I have). “Let me tell you, it’s not very pleasant.” (I would think not). He goes on to explain that “vaulting” involves steel being grafted to your skeleton, and muscles and a lot of other neato stuff. The whole procedure is so intense that people have lost their memories during the process. To combat this, the researchers have come up with the idea to have the patient play word association games during this procedure. Kind of like a sadistic SAT or something.
Anyhoo, the whole scene is basically a convenient way to have Abraxas explain his background. He is from the planet Sardacia, and he is a member of a galactic police force known as Finders. He says that Finders must renew their vows every 100-earth years. He’s renewed his about 90 times now. “That’s right, I’ve been on the force almost 10,000 years now.” Abraxas says. Actually that’s not right, 90 multiplied by 100 is 9000, so he’s been on the force around 9000 years now. I guess math wasn’t Abraxas’s best subject in Sardacian elementary school. But really, what can you expect from the under-funded Sardacian public school system?
We find out that Abraxas’s current mission is to bring in his former partner, Secundus (That’s right, I said Secundus), who has gone rogue. It is at this point we meet Abraxas’s bosses or co-workers or lovers. I really have no idea. One, Hite, looks like he came straight out of a Kids in the Hall sketch, and is constantly in a pissy mood. The other, Dar (Played by the director, Damien Lee. For shame…), is just there so the first one has someone to yell at while Abraxas is gone. They are tracking Secundus and have located him in sector RVS034 on the 4th planet from the sun (I know, we’re the 3rd, but maybe they know something that we don’t. I’m not going to assume that the writers and editors were so stupid that they let an error that big slip through, I’m going to assume it was intentional, or else I might just turn this off right now…Ah, who am I kidding, I couldn‘t turn this off…). The two of them discuss the planet and it’s inhabitants and mention that they’ve intervened twice…I’m gonna guess during WWII and, um…Pauly Shore, shortly before he was going to release Bio-Dome 3: The Final Reckoning.
From the dark frozen North, a champion is born…He is ABRAXAS!!!
Meanwhile, on the 4th planet from the Sun, Abraxas is tracking Secundus (What the hell did I just write?). We are treated to a bunch of cool fireworks and sparklers and stuff while Abraxas and Secundus shoot it out with what appears to be a Super-Soaker 1500 and a Wham-O Air Blaster. They somehow manage to miss each other with every shot. Apparently 9000 years of training has little, if any affect on a Finder’s ability to aim a firearm. We are also treated to more voiceovers during the battle. Better get used to them, it seems like every main character gets about a dozen of them before this is all said and done.
While Jesse is saving the Universe from certain destruction, we cut to a couple in the woods. The boyfriend is trying to get a little action, but the girlfriend, Sonia, isn’t in the mood (Then why in the hell did you let him take you deep into the woods in the middle of nowhere?!?). Before the boyfriend can ply his charms further, (These charms seem to be limited to the phrase, “C’mon, please?”), Secundus stumbles on the two of them and throws the boyfriend out of the car…
“Why didn’t he just drive away?” you ask? Well, wouldn’t you know it? The car wouldn’t start. I know, what are the odds…
So Secundus gets to Sonia and says, “I need your body.” Great line. I’ll have to write that one down for later. He then tries to get down to business with her and ironically she puts up less of a fight with Secundus than she did with her own boyfriend. I guess she has a thing for burly Russian men...who doesn’t, right? Secundus tries to flee with the girl, but she is able to escape and make a run for it. Unfortunately, Secundus catches and impregnates her (No, it’s not what you think. He simply touches her stomach and his hand glows).
Here’s where it starts to get confusing…well, here is where it gets more confusing. After Abraxas finds Secundus washing his hands in the river (HA!), Secundus tells Abraxas that the girl will bear his child and the child will be a “co-mater” (Wouldn’t Sonia be the co-mater?) and it will have the anti-life equation (Get used to that term, you’ll be hearing it a lot). Secundus informs Abraxas that the only way to stop him is to kill Sonia, and he knows that Abraxas won’t be able to do that. Secundus is then warped back to the proper authorities. Why they didn’t just do this in the first place instead of having Abraxas go to get him is a mystery to me. An even bigger mystery to me is the light jazz music playing in the background. Nothing says action adventure like light jazz.
Abraxas is ordered to kill the girl before she can give birth. You would think that there wouldn’t be a rush, but he is given 2 minutes. It seems that Secundus is quite the virile man. Abraxas finds her but, as Secundus predicted, he can’t bring himself to kill her. Abraxas walks away and Sonia gives birth. I should point out that she gives birth, in the woods, in the snow, without taking off her pants, and the baby comes out clean, with the umbilical cord pre-cut (For your convenience…). She obviously has powers. Another thing that you will probably notice during this scene (and countless others that follow) is Marjorie Bransfield can’t act (Sorry Marjorie).
We follow the new mother to a bridge where she is contemplating tossing the baby in a river. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your point of view, she decides not to kill the child. I don’t want to sound like the heartless curmudgeon that I am, but she could’ve saved everyone involved a lot of trouble by chucking that little bastard in the drink (Don’t e-mail me on that!!! It‘s just a movie!). Oh well. Deciding not to kill the child, she takes him home. Her parents, being very understanding folk, kick her out of the house when Sonia doesn’t tell them who the father is. Don’t they find it a little odd that she wasn’t pregnant that morning and now she has a newborn baby? I wouldn’t want to know who the father is; I’d want to know where she found the baby.
Okay. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations, you are indeed a brave individual. Lesser B-movie enthusiasts have been known to be weeping uncontrollably at this point. Some will tell you that I was weeping uncontrollably at this point, but those are all slanderous lies. Those tears were caused when I accidentally poked myself in the eye with a sardine…What? It happens…well, it happens to me anyway. By the way, we’re only 19 minutes into this thing… and it runs an hour and a half. Be strong.
We fast-forward 5 years to see Sonia and her son, whom she named Tommy, playing football. We learn that Tommy has never spoken a word, and that she has never told him about his father (what in the hell would she tell him anyway?). Of course, we learn all of this through yet another voiceover (Arrrgh!). The exposition out of the way, the scene ends when Tommy finally tackles Sonia. It’s pretty funny because they segue with an explosion, so it appears that Sonia has exploded from Tommy’s tackle. Oh how I wish that were true.
If John Kerry and Richard Simmons had a baby…
Meanwhile, on “Penal Planet Teranus 7” (*sigh* So many jokes in that name, I don’t even know where to begin), Secundus has escaped, and is headed for Earth. Abraxas is once again sent to catch him (Seeing as how he did such a good job last time…oh wait), and this time stop him from getting to his child, which may or may not be the “Co-mater” and may or may not have the “Anti-life Equation.”
Confused yet? Good, so am I. It’s more fun that way.
Luckily, there are able to latch Abraxas onto Secundus’ warp (Eww…) and he makes his way back to Earth.
So the two Finders are hurled towards Earth in a wormhole, or some such nonsense, when they hit a snag. They are both stripped of their weapons and are left with nothing but their “answerboxes.”
You are probably wondering what an “answerbox” is. Actually, you are probably wondering about a whole bunch of things, but let’s tackle one problem at a time. An “answerbox” is, as far as I can tell, an all-knowing computer that Finders have installed on their wrists. It supplies them with any and all information that they might need during their missions. Abraxas’s answerbox has apparently had the “annoying voice” and “nagging wife” upgrades installed, as well.
In the meantime, Sonia is meeting with Tommy’s principal, played by none other than Jim Belushi (Wait, Jim Belushi as a principal, I have a great idea for a movie…We could call it, “K-9!!!” No wait, that’s all wrong…). Principal Belushi (that’s not his name in the film, but I’m going with it anyway) tells Sonia that Tommy is being picked on by his classmates for being a little odd. As Principal Belushi puts it, “Tommy scares the piss out of ‘em.” He suggests that Tommy should be moved to a “special needs” facility (You know, the kids that wear bicycle helmets and have mittens pinned to their jackets all year long), but Sonia doesn’t agree. She has a brilliant plan to get the children to stop picking on Tommy. She suggests that Principal Belushi simply tell them to stop. Genius, really. Principal Belushi reluctantly agrees to try her plan and with that, his cameo ends.
“I don’t wanna be in this movie!!!”
We rejoin the Abraxas and Secundus, middle-aged man, soft jazz chase scene finals with Secundus giving us yet another voiceover telling us everything that we already knew. He says that he could easily take Abraxas in hand-to-hand combat, but first he must recharge his answerbox…No, I don’t have any idea why he has to recharge his answerbox first. It seems to me that the smartest thing to do, if he was telling the truth about his hand-to-hand skills, would be to take out Abraxas and then he could recharge his answerbox and track down Tommy at his leisure. What do I know? I just work here.
Despite my thoughts on the subject, Secundus continues running through the woods trying to escape from Abraxas. Eventually Abraxas catches Secundus (I’m really getting tired of these names. Why can’t intergalactic police officers have names like Todd or Earl?) but he is able to escape after he throws Jesse off of a cliff.
With Abraxas taken care of, Secundus continues his quest to recharge his answerbox. Luckily for him, he stumbles upon a family out camping in the woods.
Now, let’s say that you see a large, burly, heavily scarred, sweaty guy stumble out of the woods and head straight for your family. Do you:
A) Find something to use as a weapon, and quickly put yourself between this guy and your family.
B) Have your family hightail it to the RV and haul ass out of there.
C) Run screaming like a wussy, abandoning your family in the process.
D) Or do you meet this intruder with a friendly greeting, such as, “Hi. Can I help you?”
If you answered A or B, then I‘m sorry. You may be a responsible father, but you did not react correctly according to the father in question today. If you answered D, then you reacted just like the father in question here. I also would have accepted C.
So our father may not be the brightest bulb in the house, but he is apparently friendly to a fault. Unfortunately, this doesn’t impress Secundus as he shoves our friendly father out of the way and heads for his Jeep. Secundus tries to have his answerbox start the vehicle (Is there anything that answerboxes can’t do?) but it is insufficiently charged. Secundus immediately demands the keys to the vehicle. The father, in another brilliant move, starts threatening to sue Secundus for harassment (He’s a lawyer, you see…It’s funny). When this doesn’t work, he takes another shot at a Darwin Award nomination by throwing the keys into the campfire. Obviously, this pisses off Secundus immensely and he orders him to get the keys out of the fire. The son, displaying the first sign of intelligence in this family, fishes the keys out of the fire and hands them to Secundus.
Just as Secundus begins to speed away, Abraxas jumps on top of the Jeep and goes along for the ride. Be sure to pay close attention to this scene, as you will see Jesse’s stunt double on several occasions and what appears to be a Jesse Ventura puppet as well. Anyway, Secundus eventually manages to shake Abraxas off of the Jeep and escape.
“Pardon me young voter, but have you considered the Reform Party?”
After that “thrilling” scene we join Sonia at work at “The Granary.” The Granary appears to be one of those new age, hippy, organic food places in which I would never willingly set foot. We also meet Johnny, the bumbling new officer on the force who just transferred from “The City” (I don’t think that they ever mention which one. I’m left to assume that it is the same “The City” that The Tick patrols). Johnny kinda resembles Willie Ames from “Charles in Charge” and he has a thing for Sonia. Sonia doesn’t seem to reciprocate, however. It would seem that Johnny has been eating buckwheat pasta and drinking organic wheat grass for nothing. As an aside, any woman who won’t sleep with a man after he drinks organic wheat grass for her is a complete bitch. There, I said it and I’d say it again if I had to.
Back at the campsite, Abraxas needs a ride. He is a little more people friendly than Secundus in his approach, and asks politely if the family could “please provide him with ground transportation.” How polite…I‘d vote for him. On the ride into town Abraxas manages to sweet talk the family out of some clothes so he can better blend in with the locals.
In the meantime Secundus has found a power supply to recharge his answerbox. He pulls into the local Shell station and breaks down the door. Once inside he starts tipping over bottles of Pepsi. I’m not sure why exactly. I suppose it is a weird form of product placement since we watch every one tumble to the ground in slow motion. After his Pepsi massacre he renews his search for a power supply. Of course we get another voiceover and more soft jazz in the background while he does this. He quickly finds a power outlet and charges up. Before he can finish, the owner of the station wanders in on Secundus and confronts him. He demands to know what he is doing in his shop. Secundus answers that he is recharging his answerbox. For some reason this doesn’t satisfy the owner and he comes at Secundus. Secundus responds by grabbing the owner and running the test for the anti-life equation. I‘m fairly certain that he fails the test as he explodes after a few seconds, leaving only his clothes behind.
“I look most like the Brawny Towel Guy!” “No, I look most like the Brawny Towel guy…”
Back on the RV, Abraxas is reassuring the family that he can locate their missing Jeep. He tells them, “My box has V.D. Trust me.“ I don’t know about them, but I feel better already knowing that. Don’t worry; V.D. stands for vibrational detection (What did you think it stood for?). He can use his answerbox to detect the vibrational frequency of their vehicle.
Whatever, I buy it.
He goes on to explain that he can’t use this to track Secundus because members of his force have learned to avoid V.D. I guess that just about everyone had to watch those films in school…I need a nap.
Back in town, Officer Johnny is endearing himself to the locals by enforcing every petty law under the sun. The Sheriff (Who is about 3 seconds away from being Joe Piscipo) smoothes things over and has a little chat with Johnny about how things work in small towns. Before he can finish his lecture a call comes in from dispatch about a guy tearing up city hall (Three guesses on who it is…). With that the two officers speed off to the crime scene.
<Cue Abraxas voiceover #356...thank you.>
The officers arrive on the scene to find Secundus holding a woman hostage. They also find that Abraxas and his big old head are on the scene as well. Officer Johnny says he wants to take Secundus out (I assume with a bullet, not like out on a date but, who really knows?) but Abraxas warns against it. Secundus demands the officers’ weapons and when Johnny doesn’t cooperate he darn near gets his wrist broke. Just gotta be difficult, don’tcha Johnny? After taking the officers weapons he tells Abraxas that if he is followed, he will kill the girl.
Willie Ames and Joe Piscipo star in “Charles in Charge: Saturday Nights”
With the girl in tow, Secundus leaves city hall. Of course Abraxas and our two heroic police officers disobey the orders they just received and follow Secundus. They are stopped cold when he again threatens to shoot his hostage. I guess that they didn’t believe him the first three times he said he would kill her. Satisfied that he has halted Abraxas’s pursuit, Secundus goes about obtaining an escape vehicle.
What follows next is pretty goofy. A man falls down near Secundus and he fires a slug into him for really no reason that I can see. I guess he’s just EVIL!!! Secundus then spots a car heading straight for him. He quickly tosses his hostage out of the way (I guess he’s not so evil after all) and points his gun at the driver. The driver, doing pretty much the same thing that I would do, throws that bad boy in reverse and floors it. Fortunately for Secundus, not one but two dirt bikes come racing around the corner (Must be a race going on, or something). He pulls the first guy off his bike as he goes by and commanders his ride. I don’t think Secundus has ever ridden a dirt bike before because it spins around and around about 10 times before he lets off of the throttle long enough to get on the damn thing. Poor driving skills aside, this does present a perfectly good opportunity to utilize the stunt crew further and, as you probably guessed, the second driver comes whizzing by and has to swerve to miss Secundus, of course ending in a crash…Neat huh? As Secundus speeds off on his new moped, Abraxas is forced to follow on foot. Poor Abraxas.
After the insanity that was the previous scene, we head over to the playground where little Tommy is having recess. A group of bullies begin teasing one of Tommy’s friends but Tommy quickly comes over to save the day. He’s kinda like a mute Mighty Mouse, no? His friend leans over and says, “Stupid…Tommy.” I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. To me it would mean that he just called Tommy “stupid” but Tommy snaps into action anyhow. He stares down the main bully, Willy (I can tell he’s the main bully, because he’s the tallest and he has the best mullet. I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I used to sport one just like it when I was his age…I’ll have to scrounge up a picture) and stares him down until he wets his pants. That’s a pretty darned useful power to have, I must say. Wet Willy runs away and his cronies laugh at him as he fades into the distance. It seems that Willy doesn’t exactly rule his gang with an iron fist.
Yup, bullies. Are you not scared shitless?
His dignity in tatters, Willy waits in the bathroom for Tommy. This proves to be a colossal mistake when Tommy unleashes his rage and flushes poor Willy down the toilet with his mind powers…I’m serious…Really, I mean it. He totally flushed him down the toilet. Look, just go watch it if you don’t believe me. Seriously…
Later we see Sonia return home with the groceries. She is met at the door by Betty who has to let her in because she forgot her keys (I’m not exactly sure how she drove her car home without her keys, but what do I know?). I’m not quite clear on who Betty is, but there she is with her son, who just happens to be the little boy that Tommy saved on the playground. The two hens clucks on with typical Lifetime movie banter until Sonia takes Tommy to the movies. Betty stays behind with the unnamed child to watch TV at Sonia’s . This turns out to be a bad idea, because later that evening (After Sonia and Tommy head for the theater and run into Super Mario. “Merry-a-Christmas Sonia, and-a you-a too-a Tommy!” If I was Italian, I‘d be offended. But I‘m not, so it‘s funny.) Secundus shows up and begins to run the test for the anti-life equation on the unnamed child, mistaking him for Tommy. Before “The Little Unnamed Child That I Have Grown So Attached To” is blown to smithereens (Off topic, What in the hell is a “smithereen,” anyway?) Abraxas jumps through the window to save the day. I’m going to ignore the fact that Secundus had already completely destroyed the front door not 2 seconds ago, rendering the heroic window dive a little less heroic and a lot more confusing.
Anyway, Abraxas goes on to get his butt handed to him by Secundus until he finally skewers Abraxas with a broken floor lamp (As I so astutely put it in my notes, “Ouchy.” I really have a way with words). Instead of finishing him off, Secundus gives him an epic speech about wanting Abraxas to see everything that he loves destroyed. You know, typical bad guy stuff. On his way out Secundus spots a picture of Sonia and Tommy and takes it with him.
Soon after, Sonia comes home to find our hero with a floor lamp in his pancreas. She immediately recognizes the lump of future governor stuck to her wall as the man who didn’t kill her five years ago (My hero!!!). While Sonia is remembering (Through flashback, of course. The director apparently thinks that we are so stupid that we won’t remember what happened 30 minutes ago. Unless of course he thought that we just weren‘t paying attention, then it was probably a very astute judgment on his part.) Abraxas and his answerbox are busy healing his nasty little lamp wound. Abraxas warns Sonia that they must leave immediately. Unfortunately for the audience, Sonia goes on a stiffly-recited, oddly-delivered tirade about how Abraxas could’ve phoned, or something culminating in her sucker punching Abraxas with a quick left. Not the best idea when your target has bones of steel. Abraxas again restates their imminent need to leave only this time Sonia agrees and she and Tommy head for safety with Abraxas.
Meanwhile Secundus if off prowling the streets telling strangers that he is looking for women. One guy thinks that he is looking for exotic dancers to which Secundus’s answerbox responds, “Exotic dancers are birthing members of the species performing contemporary fertility rites.” Geez, he makes it sound dirty. Helpful stranger goes on to tell Secundus that there aren’t any exotic dancers around these parts. Secundus is naturally bummed out by the news that there are no skanky strippers in his immediate vicinity so he decides to steal our helpful stranger’s car to rectify the problem.
Meanwhile, Abraxas, Sonia, and Tommy are speeding towards Sonia’s friend Maxie’s place. Apparently Maxie (A dude, in case you’re confused) is one of Sonia’s best friends. He grows organic apples, which leads to this question, “Aren’t ALL apples organic?” I guess they’re organic apples as opposed to the chemically engineered synthetic super apples grown by the CIA to infiltrate secret underground fruit smuggling rings in Cuba. Anyway, they continue towards Maxie’s pad (Ha!!! I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself) while Abraxas asks a bunch of inappropriate questions like, “Is he a mating partner of yours?” You know, awkwardly worded alien stuff.
Back on Penal Planet Teranus 7 (Remember them? Neither did I) Fussy Britches is complaining about Abraxas losing yet another confrontation with Secundus. He says that he has had contact with the co-mater 147 parsecs (Parsecs being a measurement of distance, not time, a probable nod to Han Solo's Star Wars line about the Millenium Falcon doing "The Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs." If you want an overanlyzed, geeked out explanation click here). Hite (Aka: Captain Fussy Britches) is fairly pissed off about Abraxas’s failure to destroy the co-mater or capture Secundus and he is taking it out on Dar. Who the hell came up with these freakin’ names?
Back at Sonia’s house, Sheriff Sharp is questioning Jack (Our unnamed little kid has a name!!!) about Secundus. Jack tells them that he wanted him to take a test and that his wrist talked. You know that’s the first thing that a kid would mention. I was actually a little shocked by this sliver of naturally written dialogue…must’ve been a mistake.
Over at Maxie’s pad (Sorry, I did it again. I can‘t help it…) Sonia is tucking Tommy into bed. Tommy waits for his mom to leave before he sneaks out of bed and heads for Abraxas’s room.
Here begins a wholly inappropriate scene where a half naked Jesse Ventura asks a 5 year old boy to hop up on his bed and listen to a story…A story that turns out to be about to close friends…Two male friends at that…I feel icky.
Abraxas screenshot...an icky one, at that.
“Hey Tommy, have you ever heard of NAMBLA?”
In the meantime our two Keystone Cops are at the local convenience store loading up on junk food and Pepsi. Pepsi obviously paid handsomely for product placement because this store is decked out with so many Pepsi products that it looks like the prototype for The Pepsi Store. It’s really distracting…and I may never drink Pepsi again.
Back at the house, Abraxas is continuing his story, through flashback and voiceover of course. Remember the beginning of the movie? Well you get the pleasure of watching it again. Aren’t we lucky? Thankfully for everyone involved (Especially Tommy…But especially me) Sonia comes in and saves Abraxas from an embarrassing Michael Jackson-like lawsuit by telling Tommy to go to bed. She and Abraxas then have a sappy conversation that not-so-subtlety leads us to believe that that these to are going to end up together…like you didn’t know that already.
Remember how Secundus was searching for strippers? Well he found them. That is to say, he found one. In a completely pointless scene, Secundus strolls up to the stage, beats up the bouncer, looks the stripper up and down, and then strolls away. Research leads me to believe that this scene was originally longer but was cut specifically for the purpose of landing a PG-13 rating. This partially explains why it makes no sense, but it doesn’t explain why they didn’t just cut the entire “stripper storyline” altogether. It doesn’t make much sense and it certainly doesn’t add much to the movie.
Filmed in “Clinton Vision”
Back at Maxie’s place (Hey, I didn’t say Maxie’s pad…D’oh!), Sonia is taking a shower while Abraxas is arguing with his answerbox. It scolds him for not terminating Tommy and ending the problem. Abraxas says that Tommy isn’t the problem, Secundus is. He tells his answerbox that it will only speak when spoken to (Like a good answerbox) or he will deactivate its vocal mode. Man, answerboxes seem like they are almost more trouble than they’re worth.
With his answerbox back in line, Abraxas heads for the bathroom. In doing so he walks right in on a very naked Sonia who is still in the shower. Geez, remind me to lock my doors if Jesse Ventura ever stays the night. Always the gentleman, Abraxas proceeds to stare at her chest like an idiot until he finally finishes washing his hands and leaves…Smooth.
We then rejoin our two officers cruising around town. They are discussing the details of the goings on when Johnny presents an odd theory. Johnny thinks that they are dealing with aliens but Sheriff Sharp doesn’t agree. He thinks that there has to be a logical explanation. Logic, in this movie? Plthhtht! Blasphemy I say!
After another touching (Read: Sappy) scene between Abraxas and Sonia, we catch up with Secundus. He’s apparently a little hungry after all of that hot stripper action so he’s gone to a diner to get some chow. After a little confusion about the menu (“I cannot eat that.”) he eventually orders the entire breakfast menu. Boy, I’ve been there before.
Following some more comic relief from the Sheriff and Johnny (And a little continuity problem. As the two officers are driving by on a dirt road, we can clearly see that the passenger’s window is halfway down, but in the next shot both windows are closed. Then in the subsequent shot, the window is down completely. Nothing big, but I caught it.) the officers reach Maxie’s house to do some questioning. Sonia, however, rejects their offers of help and big, bad Maxie leads them back to their car.
Sonia decides that it is time to leave Maxie’s but Abraxas tells her that they would be safer staying where they are. He reassures her that he will protect her and she rewards him with a kiss. Abraxas tells her that he has never kissed a woman before (Only men…HA!). 9000 years old and he has never kissed a woman? Being a Finder sucks.
Our little love-fest is broken up when Abraxas’s answerbox informs everyone that Tommy has left the house. Sonia immediately runs to Tommy’s room to find a letter on his bed. In it he says that he has run away to save everyone from “the bad man” that is after him.
Back at the diner, Secundus has just finished throwing down about 35 plates of food when he sees a school bus drive by and decides that it’s time to pay the school a visit. Just as he is leaving, the waitress stops him and hands him the bill. Secundus is confused and asks her what it is. She tells him that everybody gets one. Secundus grabs it, wads it up, eats it, and replies, “Very pleasant.” This is the only joke in this movie that I actually laughed at, so it deserves some recognition but this is a little confusing. Secundus knows how to operate a Jeep, a gun, and a dirt bike, but he is perplexed by the concept of a bill? I don’t buy it, but it’s still pretty funny.
Secundus is on his way to the local school when Johnny spots him. The two officers hop out of their cruiser and tell Secundus to freeze. Well, if you’ve ever seen a movie before, you know that Secundus doesn’t comply. He starts walking towards the officers, telling them that their weapons will have no affect on him (Think “Prince of Space“). Johnny responds by whipping out an Uzi and blasting the Bejesus out of Secundus. All small town officers are issued Uzi’s, right? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, it effectively dropped Secundus on his butt…For about 10 seconds anyway. Secundus quickly snaps back to life and tosses Johnny into a parked car (Be sure to pay close attention to the interior of Johnny’s jacket as he flies through the air. It changes from black to orange…Who was in charge of continuity on this thing?). Secundus then picks up Johnny’s Uzi and blasts the snot outta everything himself.
Very confusing Abraxas screenshot
Now that’s an odd reflection.
Just as an aside, if you’ve ever wondered if cars explode when shot by an Uzi, I’ve got good news for you, they do. Apparently the car in question here was hauling a carefully formulated mixture of black powder and jet fuel because the resulting explosion is pretty impressive.
With the police taken care of, Secundus jacks their cruiser and drives away. I feel compelled to mention that the windows that were both down moments earlier are now rolled up. Maybe Secundus didn’t want to catch cold so he took the time to wind them up before he took off…Either that or the continuity guy is asleep at the wheel.
We rejoin Abraxas and Sonia just as they find Tommy hiding in a barn. Abraxas says that he wants to talk to Tommy alone (Sure! Tommy, you go with the weird man…) so he and Tommy drive back to Maxie’s together.
Secundus reaches the school and begins prowling the halls. He comes to a classroom, grabs a teacher and demands that he give him the co-mater. He says that he will kill all of the children one at a time if he doesn’t get the co-mater child.
So, Secundus is at the elementary school, Abraxas and Tommy are cruising around town having a little chat, and Dar and Hite continue to argue on Penal Planet Teranus 7 (I think these two must have had a brief, but bitter affair). This all continues for a while until Abraxas runs into our two heroic officers. Abraxas tells them that he knows where they can find Secundus and they all head for the school.
They all arrive to find Secundus tossing furniture out of the school windows, demanding Tommy. Now, you would think that everyone would have a close eye on Tommy, considering the situation but he manages to wander off and head into the school anyway. Of course, he heads right for Secundus…It seems that Tommy isn’t very bright.
Fortunately for Tommy, Abraxas shows up and stops Secundus before he can get the anti-life equation. Tommy runs off but Secundus is able to drop Abraxas and catch Tommy again. Abraxas regains consciousness and continues his pursuit of Secundus. Abraxas tells us that Secundus will tease and confuse Tommy until, as Abraxas puts it, “His mind will be bubbling like a pot of Sardacian Oil.” Ooh, good metaphor (Yes, I know that this statement is technically not a metaphor, but actually a simile. Don’t send me an E-mail…You have to admit that “Ooh, good simile” doesn’t have the same ring now does it?). Dar and Hite pop up again to tells us that Tommy is now capable of causing spontaneous combustion and could hit critical mass at any moment, whatever that means.
So now we reach the epic conclusion of today’s subject. Secundus has Tommy cornered in a warehouse and he is stalking him while Tommy’s mind powers cause things to catch fire. Be sure to keep an eye out for Tommy’s 6ft tall stunt double. I’m sure you’ll see him. I’m sure you’ll notice the annoying music, as well.
This goes on for what seems like forever until we are treated to an epic slow-motion fist fight between the two intergalactic warriors. This also seems to go on forever until Tommy blasts both our hero, and Secundus out of a window. They both survive the blast and are soon beating the tar out of each other once again. Abraxas finally gains the upper hand and he runs the test for the anti-life equation. It’s safe to say that poor Secundus failed the test because he blows up.
So once again the day is saved, thanks to The Powerpuff Girls…no wait, thanks to Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe, not to be confused with Gamera: Guardian of the Universe, or He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. With everything back to normal, Abraxas requests that he be allowed to stay on Earth and watch over Tommy. His request is granted and they all live happily ever after…Except Officer Johnny, that is. Organic tofu and wheat grass juice and he still doesn’t get the girl. There is no justice.
Cue final voiceovers, light jazz and roll credits…And Tommy finally speaks!