JULY 27 VHS MOVIE REVIEW : ROBOWAR (1988)
Do you like the movie Predator? Do you like Robots? Would you rather Predator had more robots and worse actors? Well then you are in luck my friend, this is ROBOWAR!
Robowar is a hands down carbon copy of Schwarzenegger's Predator. So much so that I was taking notes while watching it noting similarities. I'm sure if Predator was a person and had a little chat with Robowar, Predator would be all like, "Robowar, what the fuck? Why did you copy me?" and Robowar would say something like, "We didn't copy you, there's a robot in our movie. There's no fucking robots in Predator," to which Predator would punch Robowar in the face and leave the room.
- A group of elite forces enters the jungle to go after some guerrillas.
- They keep encountering random skinned corpses in the jungle, sometimes in the trees.
- When they get to the guerrilla camp they shoot everyone there and then encounter the Predator, err Robot.
- The Robot has a robovision very similar to the heat vision in Predator.
- They frequently refer to the robot as "The Hunter".
- At one point everyone fires wildly into the jungle and then some dude checks it out. When he comes back he says, "There's no blood, there's no body, there's no traces at all. We didn't hit a damn thing!"
- Instead of there being, "One Ugly Motherfucker" we get BAMs or "Bad Ass Motherfuckers"
- The Robot has wrist mounted weapons. But it's a laser so its different.
- And the lead dude leaps from a cliffside in front of a waterfall EXACTLY the same way Arnie does it in Predator.
I just want you to know right now that I'm so dedicated to THIS BLOG and BAD MOVIES that I sat through a 9 part VHS transfer on YouTube for this review. That's how much I care about you internet. (to some of you that's either hard-fucking-core or really-fucking-stupid. I call it the Gable way)
Where do I begin with this review? I think the writer. The story from Robowar comes from the same mastermind that wrote and directed TROLL 2, Claudio Fragrasso. Right there from seeing his name in the opening credits I knew I was in for a shitstorm. Granted he didn't direct this movie but you'd never know it. Actually he was running around as "The Hunter". He had to have been kind of "suggesting" ways of shooting scenes to the real director of this movie, Bruno Mattei. He must have been so ashamed to have been apart of this piece of shit that he credited himself with the name Vincent Dawn. That's fucking amazing.
If you're as brave as me and have to watch this I'll let you know what you're getting into. Yes it is a Predator rip-off but I figure at least half the movie is just shots of guys walking through the jungle with electro music playing. (watch that at the 1:40 mark) They really did TRY to make some effort to make it exciting but in the end its just a bunch of dudes walking through the jungle. To the next scene in the script. Also, the characters keep randomly walking off screen, presumably attempting to escape the movie, but they kept getting pulled back into the story and forced to walk through the jungle to their next scene. It's just horrible.
So eventually this movie ends like all bad movies do...helplessly. They spent 80 minutes progressing the story and throwing in fight scenes and some explosions BUT THEY FORGET TO KILL ANYONE! So they just start offing guys left and right. Please, Please watch part 6 on YouTube. Fast forward to the 8:20 mark where they are crossing the river and the guy gets pulled away...by something, it may have the Robot or he may have been trying to escape the movie again...but its so ball slappingly hilarious that I had to watch it 5 times in a row. (much to my balls' protest) I was hoping to capture the magic of the scene with a screenshot but it just doesn't do it any justice.
But anyway, they eventually come up with a plan to destroy the robot but there's still too many characters alive. So one goes out to try and reason with it, or kill it. But he epic fails and is killed. So another dude ventures out to try the same thing and is met with the same fate as the first guy. BAM problem solved, now we have the perfect amount of people left to finish this damn movie. Let's do this thing.
So they go to some convenient location in the jungle. There conveniently happens to be the right amount of chemicals in this place to make napalm. It's also quite convenient that the lady mixing them, the helpless blonde female, has a degree in chemistry and knows how to make napalm. And they are given enough time to put it all into a jug to blow up the building as the Robot enters it. Convenient.
BUT WAIT! There's more! The inevitable and always predictable twist ending. It's still alive and then they blow it up for real. THANK GOD IT'S OVER.
Then the end credits roll...EXACTLY LIKE PREDATOR's! You see a snippet of the characters and then their names. Who Gives A Fuck as Sgt. Dumbass. Etc.
This movie was worth it when they set up a parameter, like the pig scene in Predator, and the Robot comes walking in tripping mines and tearing shit up and one of the elite guys says, "The mines! He stepped on them like they were dogshit!" Brilliant, *claps hands*, something I can leave this movie with.
I don't recommend this to anyone. It is laughably bad..err..sad. It's just a horrible attempt and ultimately embarrassing for everyone involved. Cast, crew, audience. It's kind of like getting drunk and nailing a fat chick after bar close. It was ok to let that happen once and you may have even liked it a little but nobody needs to know about it.
Except when I do it.
And now some random screenshots for your enjoyment. See if you can tell what part of Predator they're ripping off.