VHS MOVIE REVIEW : ALIEN CONTAMINATION
Welcome, welcome, boils and ghouls, to the inaugural review of Radiation-Scarred Reviews. I've got a real stinker for you today.
First off, I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm still a little iffy as to what tone I should take with my reviews. I could easily be refined and erudite, sharing gems of knowledge. I could just as easily write a profanity-laden kick in the balls of gonzo reporting that'd make Hunter S. Thompson cheer. How far can I get on purple prose?
Today's pus-laden boil of mediocrity is "Alien Contamination", which is listed on IMDB as "Contamination" and given a date of 1980. However, the 50 movie boxed set this came in lists it as Alien Contamination 1981, so that's the title I'm using for the purpose of this review.
A cargo ship from South America drifts into New York City harbor, and the police investigate. The crew is all dead, and the cause of death appears to be due to the fact that their organs exploded out from inside them. Also on board are hundreds of boxes of coffee, and by coffee I mean big green eggs that explode and spray acid when handled. I think if you replace them with Folger's Crystals, people will notice the difference.
Our "heroes" are assembled over the next half hour: Ian Hubbard, "whiskey soaked wreck" and former astronaut, dismissed as crazy after experiences on Mars; Colonel Stella Holmes, the female lead; and Lieutenant Tony Aris, who gets the investigation started.
the coffee boxes are traced to a plantation in South America, upon investigation, several attempts are made on the "heroes'" lives, including locking Colonel Holmes in a bathroom with one of these egg pods.
the plantation turns out to be home to an "Alien Cyclops" who was somehow brought from Mars, and this monster is laying the eggs that have been turning up, and which Ian Hubbard saw on Mars. the Cyclops uses its flashlight of an eye to hypnotize and eat Lieutenant Aris, and almost eats Colonel Holmes as well before Hubbard saves her by shooting the Cyclops repeatedly in the eye.
the movie ends with an "ominous" shot of one egg left, on a busy street corner in NYC (what is it, a hooker?)
This movie started off seeming pretty good, especially once people started exploding and spraying organs every where. however, it bogs down pretty quickly. The characters are pretty dull and uninteresting, and any attempt to spice them up came across as fairly lackluster -- for example, a rather forced romantic scene where Colonel Holmes and Lieutenant Aris confess that they have feelings for each other...while tied back to back waiting to be fed to the Cyclops. And then Aris dies.
The Cyclops itself isn't too bad. It is, however, a barely-mobile bulk, hiding in a dark, fog-shrouded room and moaning softly to itself (until the single yellow eye flashed on, I was concerned it might be footage of my ex-girlfriend). It pulsates and has some sort of tentacle or snout that it uses to consume Lieutenant Aris.
I would have liked this movie more if the camera had panned a bit lower than Colonel Holmes' shoulders during her shower scene.
I'm gonna say...
VHS MOVIE REVIEW : THE DEAD NEXT DOOR
WRITTEN BY E.C.MCMULLEN JR. AT FEOAMANTE.COM
It's 1985, yer a small town guy, who wants to make movies, yet you have no connections at all. The best you can do is a Super 8mm camera, which is the lowest of the low in movie cameras.
And life might have stayed that way, if you didn't run across another small town guy who was starting to make good. He set up his own film production company and, by gum, he wants to encourage backyard budding film talent! And this financier ain't just anybody, he has real, verifiable, and even admirable credits! He also doesn't want his name associated in any way with your movie.
But regardless of his true name (he called himself The Master Cylinder), your name is J.R. Bookwalter and, by God you are going to make a Horror movie!
A horror movie with zombies! A horror movie that has characters named after your favorite Horror movie small town nobody independent folk who made it big - like YOU want to make it big!
Billy Idol, the idol of the 1980s, has a slow dance number out called The Dead Next Door! Why, what a swell name for a zombie horror movie!
But you ain't kidding yourself either. You can't afford to actually pay anyone, so you have to get whatever film crew you can cobble together to make your picture.
HA! This would never fly in Hollywood, but it would practically everywhere else!
Over the course of a year, Writer/Director/Producer J.R. Bookwalter, with the kind of passionate blind faith that would lead him to believe - despite expert opinion - that he could make an entire, feature length movie, on Super 8mm film stock, made that movie!
The outcome? Boy is this thing cheap! Conversely, it is widely renown as the most expensive Super 8 movie ever made (a dubious distinction that garners zero challengers).
The story takes place with a father and daughter locking themselves in their basement or perhaps garage. Merry Mishaps occur.
Yep, just that fast.
The story takes place in the future, perhaps next week, where a new Federal Government agency, Zombie Squad, goes out everyday to answer zombie emergency calls. That is, humans are calling, not the zombies themselves. Zombies have no emergencies - at least none that matter.
Humans, even ones especially trained in the job of handling zombies, have a dickens of a time staying off the undead menu. They put zombies in these rattle-y PVC pipe cages, and seem to lose a human or two everytime they do it, which is several times a day.
The dashing hero of the Zombie Squad is Raimi (Pete Ferry), an iron jawed hunk with nice hair. He is accompanied in his duties by the plumply ravishing Kuller (Jolie Jacunas: STARQUEST II), and a number of other soon-to-be victims.
Everything is falling apart. The Whitehouse gates are being overrun by zombies and the Zombie Squad is the worst trained pack of nincompoops you ever saw. In several scenes they absentmindedly stick their fingers right into a zombie's mouth.
Of course, such stupidity is played for laughs and there is some to be had here.
Dr. Moulsson (Bogdan Pecic: ROBOT NINJA, ZOMBIE COP), plays the Dr. Logan of the film, explaining what little he knows about them. In this case, the zombies were created out of a genetically engineered virus, made in a scientist's home lab.
But none of that matters. What matters is that Moulsson might be able to rustle up a cure, if not for two opposing factors.
On the looney left-wing, some peacenik idiots, with no real leaders, demand that the U.S. Government leave the zombies alone. They protest U.S. Government intervention into the affairs of zombies even while the dead descend upon them and eat them. Kind of prescient when you think about it.
The other factor is the crazy right-wing religious freaks led by Reverend Jim Jones (Robert Kokai). The zombies are really God's punishment and should be left alone to do God's work.
In this kind of climate I say, shoot the extremists first, then the zombies.
J.R. Bookwalter was out of his mind trying a stunt like this and so was The Master Cylinder, aka Sam Raimi (THE EVIL DEAD, DARKMAN, SPIDER-MAN) for financing it.
THE DEAD NEXT DOOR is the kind of cheapo Horror film that will cause you to choke on your laughter. While the zombies are moaning, you'll be groaning through this gorefest that has to be the best reason I can think of for having so-bad-it's-good rating system at all.
All 5 Negative ShriekGirls