MY EXPERIENCE WITH RICHARD RAMIREZ

It is natural for people to be drawn to a morbid news article or to be interested with the latest murder being publicized. Take for instance the public reaction to the Jon Benet Ramsey case or the O.J Simpson trial. People were anxious to learn every gory detail of those stories. Being preoccupied with any morbid incident does not necessarily make a person evil. Death is bound to attract a lot of curious bystanders as no one knows for sure what death is like , except for the dead themselves. Yet, everyone has wondered at one point or another what death will be like. All too often when faced with the death of another, people stare intrigued, awestruck, and almost hypnotized by the other person’s fate. Your average Joe is more likely to read an article about a murder/suicide then he is to read another one about a library receiving a grant for more books. Plain and simple the murder suicide is going to be a more interesting read. 10 to 1 says the library article does not have the advantage of being printed on the front page either. Death is not the only morbid topic that tends to attract a hefty amount of attention. Human disfiguration, plagues, and war are other topics that draw in a lot of curiosity seekers. To deny or ignore ones fascination with the morbid is like trying to suppress sexual urges. It may have bad side effects and it is just not normal or healthy. People should not feel guilty, ashamed, or evil, or be made to feel as such, simply because they are hungry to learn more about something they don’t understand.

With that said, I have already partially explained to you why I decided to write Richard Ramirez, the notorious Nightstalker. At the age of 18 I picked up my first true crime book and have found myself unable to ever get enough of it since. I’m interested to understand the minds behind the crimes, a goal that can only be achieved by learning as much as I can about the worlds most morbid individuals. And, there is only so much knowledge that can be obtained by reading books, watching TV, and surfing the net. Around the same time I came to this realization, I came up with the idea of writing a serial killer. What better way, I thought, to really get my hands dirty then to get to know one of these morbid individuals personally. I never studied psychology on a professional level, but I decided I was not going to let that keep me from trying to study the psychology of a serial killer anyway.

It didn’t take me long to select Richard Ramirez as my test subject. He was, in my opinion, the obvious choice, being one of the most infamous serial killers still alive. Manson had come to mind as well, but I must admit I was a little to timid to write Manson as my first serial killer pen pal. What didn’t come so easily was how to approach the situation and serial killer. I wanted to find the best way to portray myself and which demeanor would be the most likely to make him comfortable with me and willing to disclose personal information. Also, the fact that he had raped and killed many woman occurred to me and seeing as I myself am a woman I anticipated that there might be respect issues or sexual advances. But, I decided it was a risk I was willing to take. I was determined to learn more about the man who killed many, brutally I might add, and in cold blood.

I handled my first letter to Ramirez like a book report or a magazine article. I read it over many times and edited it to my liking. I explained to him who I was (age, name, etc) and that I had read a book about him that had inspired me to write him. I actually left a few grammatical errors on purpose so I wouldn’t come off as a perfectionist and so the letter would not seem rehearsed. I basically used my first letter as an introduction of myself. I didn’t want to start slamming him with personal questions right away. I wanted to wait until after I answered some personal; questions he had for me so that a good relationship, trust, and comfort level was formed. I was clueless to what if any reaction I’d get from him. I used my current workplace as a return address and stamped the letter. With butterflies in my stomach I sent the letter on its way.

The letter would have to travel from Pennsylvania to California, so it would be a while before he would even get it, not to mention the prison staff has to sort and read every letter going into the prison and then the whole process would have to be carried out backwards for his response to get to me. On average it took about a month for me to get a letter back from Richard.

About two weeks after I sent the first letter my workplace/return address had a fire and the building was condemned. Any letter going there for me was bound to be returned to sender. I thought my chances with him were destroyed. I became discouraged about the whole thing. I thought I would look silly if he sent and letter and it was sent back to him. Two or three months later though I sent him another letter, basically a repeat of the first one along with an explanation of why his letter might have been returned to him. About a month later I received my first letter from him. With long awaited anticipation I opened the envelope. The first thing I pulled out was a sketch of Donald Duck looking out from behind a brick wall on an index card. His letter was on a piece of red paper and he wrote in small, slightly hard to read cursive.

He told me he was happy to hear from me again and asked me what I found interesting or disturbing about him. By the forth sentence he was asking me for pictures and told me he was restricted to 10 pictures per envelope. He told me he liked some of the same bands as me. He asked what were my best memories and if I had a true crime book collection. He tells me of fond memories from his Christmas’ as a kid. He asks of my likes/dislikes and tells me he likes ice cream and fruit, dislikes bad music and loud noise. He asks what gets me excited and if I could, would I go on a date with him, and if so what we would do for fun. He asks me about pictures again, what kind of camera I have and reminds me of the 10 pictures per envelope restriction. He asks what kind of movies I like, then closes the letter.

I was ecstatic to hear from him, and even happier that he was asking what I found interesting or disturbing about him. By asking this he has initiated a conversation about his crimes and saved me the trouble of doing it myself. Already I could start questioning him about his life and crimes. I was not shocked that he was asking for pictures early in his letter. I had expected that would come up. Throughout his short letter he mentions his receiving pictures and the 10 picture restriction several times. It tells me he assumes I have more then 10 pictures I am willing to send him. I also note his forwardness in asking about a date and its activities so early on in our relationship. By asking me what type of camera I have he is pushing to know what kind of pictures he can ask of me. So, already I am sensing what I though I would, but I have also obtained some good info.

By asking what I found interesting or disturbing about him I can tell he is self conscious. He’s shared with me a little about his taste in music. I know he enjoyed holidays as a child, and still has the capability of remembering and appreciating those memories. He tells me he dislikes bad music and loud noise, but does not clarify what he considers to be bad music. Also, I’ve been able to witness for myself in just this short letter two of Richards sides. He has a friendly, polite side, capable of being a good pen pal, but he is also impulsive about getting what he wants ie; pictures of woman, and can be somewhat pushy about it.

I got down to writing him back right away. I was so happy with the progress I’d made so far and excited about making more. I decided to comply with his request for pictures to keep the subject from appearing several times in his next letter and so that he could see I was willing to do him the favor he asked of me. I sent him 2 basic pictures of myself, just so he could put a face with the name. I asked him some questions about his everyday life, not too personal as I was still trying build a solid, information dispensing relationship. I told him about a few more bands that I liked and about an occasion where I’d met the band Disturbed and got their autographs. The plan was just to keep him interested in writing me. I told him a niced walk in the woods at night is my idea of a nice date. I sent the letter and began the month long waiting game.

Richards letter arrived on schedule. It was on a piece of green paper this time and written in the same small cursive.

He thanked me for my pictures. He tells me he would like to travel the world if he could. He asks me what has been my best year then tells me his worst has been the year he got arrested. He wants to know if I show anyone his letters. He congratulated me for meeting Ozzy and his band. Then he tells me he likes my idea for a date and that he used to enjoy walks in the woods too. He tells me he has a TV, no cable, and that his favorite show is the Simpsons. He asks again if I am married. Then he closes the letter with your friend Richard.

This response was not so much informative as it was relationship building. He answered some of my questions and avoided some of my questions. For instance, when he asked me about what I found disturbing in the book I read, I thought that that opened the door for me to question him about his past and crimes. However I asked him if he thought he would be in the same position he is today had he not gotten tied up with cousin Mike and his antics. I told him I found it hard to imagine how, considering the circumstances of his upbringing, he would not have ended up as some sort of degenerate. Watching cousin Mike shoot his wife in the face at the age of 12 must have left its mark and would have done the same to any other human being. One cannot make it through something like that with no affects.

He avoided the subject of cousin Mike all together. This suggest that cousin Mike is a touchy subject, no surprises there. Perhaps Richard like many before him finds it hard to ever lose respect for his role model from childhood. This hypothesis proves more plausible when you consider the fact that people often follow in their role models footsteps. Cousin Mike returned from Vietnam bragging about rapping, torturing, and killing Vietnamese women. He degraded his victims bodies even further by photographing their dead corpses in suggestion able poses. He photographed victims in various stages of torture as well, before death. The purpose of a killer photographing his victims like that is so that he might later pull out these photos and relish and relive the horror over and over again. This is common behavior in serial killers, right along with the torture and rape. Had Mike ever been tried for war crimes he would likely have been in quite a bit of trouble. Had he not been in the military and done the same exact thing he’d have had a trial similar to Richards. It is then no surprise that Richard would have grown up to become a serial killer who rapes and kills women and even expresses a preference for Asian women. It is hard to say how drastic a difference there would have been in Richards life had he not gotten tied up with his cousin. However you might also consider that if it had not been Mike that he tied up with, then it may have just been someone else. Maybe Richard was simply born to be a serial killer. It is hard to study this matter any further seeing as Richard refuses to discuss the topic.

He asks me which has been my best year, then follows up with his own worst year. Typically after asking someone about their best year, you follow up with your own best year, but not Richard. He tells me his worst year. This shows his negative outlook on life. He complains about his boring, routine lifestyle. Then asks if I show his letters to anyone. No.1 he wants to know if our letters are being kept confidential and no. 2 he is concerned what people think of him and wants to collect many opinions.

He makes a lot of mistakes when discussing bands. First off, I met Disturbed, not Ozzy and his band. And, and System of a Down or Disturbed fan can tell you the song “Down with the Sickness” is not by System of a Down. We’ll give him the mistake of who sings what as he is somewhat shut off from the world, but I have to wonder how brief and carelessly he read my letter since he mentions Ozzy as the band I met instead of Disturbed. He notes our common interest of walking in the woods and tells me he used to like the wood in Santa Cruz. So now I know he spent time in the woods, calm, relaxed, enjoying nature and scenery, the same man who ferociously attacked vulnerable and sleeping people. Its hard to imagine a melancholy Nightstalker. He asks if I’m married before ending the letter with “your friend Richard”.

In my response I pushed for him to select a favorite year. I told him I broke my hand and how, and that my letter might be a little short or sloppy as a result. I asked him how well stocked the prison library was. I asked about visitation rights and regulations, and who if anyone came to visit him. I offered him some stamps. The letter I sent him was indeed rather short and to the point. I sent the letter confident that I’d be receiving a response in about a month. Once his return letter arrived right on schedule I felt sure that I’d finally built up our relationship enough to start asking questions.

He wished me luck on getting the use of my hand back. He told me he did not have a favorite year. He told me if he had to pick a year it would be when he was nine. He told me the library was okay, but that he could not go to the library and when he wanted to read a book he has to put in a request slip. Visitors, he informed me, have to be sent a form to fill out before they can visit. He is allowed one hour a week for visitation. He thanked me for my offer , but refused to let me send him stamps. He asked if I would include my feet in any pictures I was sending him. And, asked if I would tell him more of my upbringing. Then he closed the letter with “your friend Richard“.

In my response to him I asked many questions. My hope was to interview him via letters about himself and his crimes. I started off with small, easy questions. I asked if he had a radio, if he’d seen any good movies lately, and if he liked Stephen Kings books or movies. Then I started to break out some of the harder ones, but I was still holding back some. One of the biggest questions I wanted to ask was if he thought he would have been who he is today if he had not been influenced by his older cousin, Mike. But, from previous letters I had already deduced to the fact that cousin Mike was a touchy subject, so that question was thus far out of the question. There wasn’t even a way, (that I could find) to lead up to it with tiny hinter questions. So I opted to ask him if there had been anyone or anything that he thought had influenced him in life. The hardest questions I asked him was if he was still a Satanist and if he had any regrets. I was so excited to get the letter on its way that I forgot to put his prisoner ID number on the envelope, and a couple weeks later I got my own letter back. As promptly as possible I put the letter in a new, properly addressed envelope and sent it again. I hoped that a time gap in our communication would not damage our bond. I was happy when his response came in its usual month.

Practically the first thing he does is point out that the date of the letter is August 31, and the envelope is post dated October 4 and inquires as to why. He tells me he does have an AM/FM radio, but that he can only get one good station; a classic rock station. He tells me about a good action movie he saw. He tells me about a book he recently finished about crime and punishment. Then he smashes all my hopes of interviewing him via letters in one brief statement. He states that he does not discuss his case and hopes that I can understand. He asks a few questions and answers a few questions, then closes with the same old “your friend Richard”.

This letter as far as I can see is just information gathering and relationship building. I can see that he is looking over my letters more carefully now, enough to notice that the letters date and post mark are too far apart. It makes me wonder if he is now waiting and anticipating my letters. Could he now be looking forward to my letters? When reading and writing with Ramirez you can almost forget that he is a serial killer, but then I remembered that that was the whole reason I wrote him in the first place. He makes sure to answer all the easy questions, but refuses all the harder ones. With his statement of not discussing his case he is trying to avoid the topic reappearing again and again. When I wanted to avoid the topic of pictures coming up again and again, I resorted to give in to his request. I had hoped he might do the same for me or at least be a little more lenient in the matter. But, he had made it clear that he wasn’t bending, at least not at that point and time.

I was a little disappointed to see Richard was being difficult, but I wasn’t discouraged that easily. I decided to back off with the questions some and focus more on telling him about myself in hopes of fishing out the same response from him. It was a few days before Christmas when I sent this letter so I included a Christmas card. I kept conversation by discussing other criminals I’d studied about and asked if he knew of them. I did as he asked and told him more about my childhood. I talked about my plans for the holidays, and sent the letter on its way.

In his reply he thanked me for the card and noted the fact that my letter is dated December 20, but nothing else. I’m not sure what that was about. He told me which criminals I’d mentioned that he didn’t know and asks if I write them too. He says he would like to meet me and asks how my job is going. He asks if my mom knows that I write to him and if so what does she think. He says he’s looking forward to more pictures of me and reminds me of the 10 pictures per envelope policy. He asks if I go fishing and tells me he used to find it very relaxing. He asks for the second time if I am married or single. I had avoided the question the first time. He asks for even more about my upbringing and then follows up with some fun facts from his own childhood. He tells me that when he was nine he got together with an 18 year old girl from his neighborhood, and that he then had his first sexual experience. He leaves it hanging by saying, “if you wish to know more let me know”. Finally, I had learned something about him I hadn’t learned from a book. He also tells me he was a paperboy for a while, but left when he felt it wasn’t for him. He expresses how happy he was when he got his license and when he could get into bars. He says he moved to LA when he was 18 and spent much time surfing. He calls it the best of times. Yet previously he could not name a favorite year. He then tells me he would have liked to have a family of his own, but never had the chance. He asks a few more questions before ending the letter.

He asks if I write any other criminal like he wants to know if he isn’t special to me or something. I almost sensed a tinge of jealousy when I read it. I’m happy to see he is that concerned with how I feel about him. He asks how my job is going which shows he is capable of thinking of others. He wants to know what my mom thinks of my writing him and if I’m bold enough to even let her know. He had asked before if I showed his letters to anyone. I decided then that he was self conscious and asking about my moms opinion of him is just more of that self consciousness shinning through. Maybe he likes the fact that he is an unlikable character and relishes the negative opinion of himself from others. He tells me again that he is looking forward to more pictures of me, so now I know that the two I already sent him aren’t cutting it. I’m elated to see he’s interesting in hearing about my childhood. Now he wants something besides pictures from me. I have no qualms with sharing my childhood experiences with him. His warming up to me becomes evident when he starts telling me about his own life experiences not published already in a book. I’m grateful for every bit of it.

In my next letter I did as he asks and tell him even more about myself. I include some school experiences. I asked him to tell more of his childhood too. I asked if he had had a high school sweetheart and if he’d been involved in any school sports. Then I asked if he was kept in a cage for his time in the exercise yard. I had learned that that was how prisons handled prisoners on death row from a TV show. I also pushed for him to give me the full story about his first experience with sex.

Although I knew I was writing a serial killer it was starting to not feel that way. So far our conversations had been pretty normal with only a few oddities, which to me didn’t seem all that extreme considering the things I’d read about this man. In fact, I almost lost sight of my initial motivation for writing him. I began to focus less on obtaining information and more on building our friendship. Had someone stumbled upon one of his letters, not knowing who its author was, they might not think anything of it. But as I worried less about prying info from him or instigating some kind of warped and twisted letter from him, I began to get just that. He came on very strong in his next letter and it stuck out like a sore thumb from all the others. When his letter arrived, it brought along wit it a rude awakening. I was suddenly slammed with the seriousness of what I’d gotten myself into.

It started off as many others had before it. He thanked me again for the pictures I’d sent him and requested that the next batch be from head to toe. He tells me he talks to no one in prison with him, and confirms my suspicions of how his time in the exercise yard is conducted. He’d seemed excited to tell me about his first sexual experience in his last letter, but after I encouraged him to go on he chose to put it off until his next letter. He does tell me to remind him in my response to him. He answers another question saying that he did have a girlfriend in high school, that they had dated for a few years, but that she had married someone else. I wonder if there is some resentment there. It seems to me that if there wasn’t then he would have said they had dated for a few years and left it at that, but he goes on to say that she married someone else. She is not just married, she is married to someone else. It almost sounds as though he thinks she picked the wrong husband, like it had been an accident or fluke. After this his letter took a sudden turn for the worse. All of the sudden everything I had hoped wouldn’t happen was happening. He says, “Yeah some sexy pictures of yourself would be great. Wear bikini, thong, garter belts, black or white, see through stockings or bare skin. No nude though. Some poses I’d like to see you in is on elbows and knees with the back of your feet showing, toes curled, nails painted red, and if you can look back at the camera as the picture is being taken that would be excellent. Another pose I would like to see you in would be face up or face down in bed, legs splayed open wide-knees bent. Thank you.” I was just completely shocked, but I guess I should have expected it. I just was not prepared for him to be so specific and forward with his request. Right after he says all this he asks some standard questions and tells me the enclosed verse is dedicated to me. Then he closes the letter with “love always Richard”, different from the old “your friend Richard” I’d grown used to. The verse is all about his love for me and serves to creep me out even further. In fact I was so upset with this letter I began to second guess my great idea of writing him a letter in the first place. I called myself stupid for even trying. Sure, I had letters, doodles, and poems from a serial killer, but I’d eluded the one thing I’d hoped to gain. Now as I’ve learned more since then, I understand that my goal was unachievable. I had hoped to learn the who, what, where, why, and how of a serial killer and his evil deeds. Experts who have spent years in the field can provide no more then a vague explanation for what serial killers do. Even when a serial killer tries to explain why he did what he did, his reasoning is only sensible in his own head. To all others it makes no sense whatsoever. This is one of the many trademarks that makes a serial killer a serial killer. Unlike other murderers, a serial killers motive behind taking lives is sensible only to them. To take another humans life is never acceptable, but if the reason behind a murder is a scorned lover, it is more understandable to the public then hearing someone say they killed out of a lust for blood or to reach a sexual climax. This is also likely the reason people find serial killers to be so fascinating. Like death, time, evolution, and space there is no logical explanation as to why such things exist or happen, they just do.

I weighed out the pros and cons of my situation and decided the pros weren’t out weighing the cons. I felt that if I wasn’t sending him exotic pictures, I would never get what I wanted. Even if I agreed to send him such pictures I’d be depending on a serial killers good grace to get what I was after. From my point of view it would never happen the way I wanted. I chose to count my stars for what I had and I never wrote him again.